Blog Post 300

Don't Bother Testing Out My Love!

No matter how much you try to get to know me for the real me and disregard all my flaws. My past mistakes will soon come back to haunt me to the point of realization that you're only hurting yourself for staying with me and putting up a fight to keep us as one. I've never felt so alone with someone til you said you loved me. Those words don't do me any good. Instead, it just proves to me I did something worth your time only to soon see how long I can keep it up without fucking it up and that's just too much pressure for me to maintain. I feel like when someone tells me that they love me it causes me to act a certain way just to keep that feeling in play and it's just so tiring to have to be someone I'm not just so you can be happy.

I'm steady doing my own thing then you call and ruin just about everything that I have going on and it sucks that I have to feel so hostile toward you. I found a way to end it all between us two and I don't really care what you have to say to me anymore. You're out of my life completely so don't ever bother reaching out because I promise you I'm no longer where you left me. I'm better off in my own world once again without the need or thought of you and telling you what I've done and what's been happening. I've lost all interest in you and your doings and besides when I talk to you all you do is think I'm being mean when it's just how I talk now that there are no feelings in the way / involved when I talk to you. I feel completely nothing when we talk. So I'm not sure why me not feeling anything towards you triggers you but I'm pretty sure that's what you wanted since the last time I saw you, so please explain to me why you're mad at me for giving you what you've always wanted. The only thing I'm sorry for is not losing interest and feelings for you earlier on. So I'll go ahead and take full responsibility for that. I was blinded by the thought of you and what we had to see that what we had at one point was only going to get worse if I kept up with the thought as if everything between us was good and well when it stopped being that a long time ago.

I guess I was scared of losing myself in the process of detaching from you and everything you meant to me that I did my best to be everything you needed and wanted only to lose myself and I think that's when all the tension and confusion came to play. I tried so hard to be everything you needed that you just kept looking at me as if I was a failure and I did everything you asked just to still be cast as a nobody. You had me believing that I was doing something right just to put me back in a place where I felt all alone and things would never go according to plan. I kept pushing myself to be the best version of myself on the daily and I got nothing in return. 

I got ignored and had to beg you at times just to talk to me all because you said I was doing too much. I was never doing anything too much if anything I was just reciprocating the feelings and doings that you had shown back to you. I was never justifying my own needs over you. It was always about you and It was only ever about me when something off was happening and I wanted it to be resolved but even then you took that as a threat and it made me even more confused as to why. I guess we just stopped seeing eye to eye and went about our own feelings and opinions on the things we did and saw. So the lack of communication and feelings towards one another really did just fade away so there was never any need for us to reach out to one other and when we did it was only for that one thing simply cause at the time it felt off being with someone new. But I'm now seeing that being with someone new is all I need.

I've been so detached from our own situation that part of me started going back to my old ways just to feel alive again and not so stressed. I've been doing good without your calls and texts. I've been getting hella rest now that I'm no longer fixated on my phone wondering when your next call or text is gonna be. I've just been done with a lot of shit relating to you that I'm self-aware of my own doings and what I want now. I'm tired of the back-and-forth games with everyone around me that I've just decided to be hella direct with everything that I feel and wanna say that people around me are starting to wonder whats really going on with me. I'm being way too talkative about certain things that people just have to agree with it and move on from it because I'm sick of holding certain things in when they need to be acknowledged. So fuck it!