Blog Post 302

May 21. 1999

So you're probably confused about the title and that's okay because it's meant for only one person, which I hope they see one day, and if not it's okay. I'm just posting this because lately they've been on my mind and I wanted to make it known by making this small post.

I guess I just wanted to go ahead and let you know my thoughts which I haven't had you know about in so long due to me moving on and breaking free from the thought of you and letting you live your life and completely erasing myself from your life. I felt as erasing myself from your life you would see that I never meant to hurt you I was just lost and by finding you and going to you it felt like home and I'm sorry I kept going to you. I guess it's kind of hard to let go of someone when you have nobody else. I thought we would last but turns out the only thing that's lasted was the distance between us two and it's my fault for not being there for you on your most important days. I'm sorry, you had to see all my flaws firsthand when everybody else only saw the best of me.

I still remember seeing you at the mall with your friend back when I was in high school knowing how things could have been different if I had just said hey to you, but instead, I just got one last look at you and wished you nothing but the best and it looks like that wish of mine for you came true. I'm really happy for you and all the things you've managed to achieve in life. I just wish I could tell you face to face but at the same time you no longer even know me and I barely know anything about you due to everything being so one-sided and nothing ever being acknowledged from one another. 

There's days when I just have minor flashbacks to us and everything that was said and done and it makes me cry every time because I don't understand why things had to happen that way. I'm still looking for answers as to why you had to be erased from my life knowing you were the only thing keeping me from killing myself at the time. Your smile and laughter were the only things that were keeping me going at the time and when it stopped I felt like part of me died a little bit and that's when things began to be so draining and confusing for me.

I never truly healed from that day/year of not talking to you let alone not being able to see you. I felt alone in my own world and nothing ever felt the same. I felt like everyone around me was lying to me and trying to make me into something that I wasn't to the point where I just lost myself and became something everyone hated and it was my fault for going down the rabbit hole to see how much further it would go. I became ill to the sound of my own voice so I just became silent at all times and only used Snapchat as a form of communication at the time. I was dissociating from so many things that it just felt normal at the time. I lost interest in so many things that my doings just became null and pointless so certain things got left unfinished or simply put not done.