Blog Post 310

Can't Let Go of The Feeling

I'd hate to be like this but it's the only way to fully let it go. I know it's not my fault or anything. But the feeling you gave me was like no other and now that you're gone it's all I'm stuck with trying to fight it off only to think of you every time. I'm getting sadder and sadder by the day of not talking with you and I know I shouldn't, but it's how things are for me right now. I'm trying so hard to distract myself with the things I like to do but it's just not working because every time I'm out I'm thinking of you and hoping that you're doing well even though it's not my place to do anymore. I just wish I knew what happened to make you pull away from me. I thought we'd be good together but I guess your feelings just didn't match up to mine and I feel like it's my fault because I've never been the type to do well with showing feelings.

I feel like you were one in a million and knowing that there's someone out there like you who I was able to be myself around just tells me there's hope for me after all. Because it's so hard for me to find people that I can be myself around without feeling like I'm being judged. I don't know I just really fucking liked you and for it to just end right before my eyes is one of the saddest things to live with. Knowing I did nothing wrong so there's no looking back on what I can do to fix it when it was your decision. I feel so bad not thinking this would happen It would have saved me so many tears but I guess I'll just let my tears fall in place and let you go. I just wish I had listened to my heart beforehand. I thought everything was going great til I read that text and you not picking up or reaching out to me just made it 10 times worse for me. Because I just wanted to know why or what it was I did wrong to make you cut me off the way you did.

I really hate being in the unknown but I guess I'll just go ahead and accept it for right now but eventually, I'll figure it out on my own like I always do and then I'll stop asking myself why. When the answers were all right there in front of me. I just needed to look between the lines. I'll leave it all behind me and maybe one day I'll come to terms with never being good enough to those I've met/meet in my future life. I just need to stop searching and be alone for a while without the thought of feeling like I need to be in love or love someone the way they should be loved. I need to face the truth of love not being on my side even though loving someone is all I want. But I guess my time is still pending for someone new to come and teach me how to do it right even though I have so many notes on how it's supposed to be but I guess I'll continue to wait and let it happen when the timing decides to let it happen.

So I guess in the meantime I'll stay silent and cry in the dark without the need of having to explain my pain to those around me. I just thought I was doing everything right only to get hit back with a wrong. I really hate doing this sort of thing but it's the only way I'll learn. I guess I'll burn the love I have for people and let them see the pain I've been forced to live with. Maybe then they'll see why it's so hard for me to love. I just feel like every person I've talked to and met has taught me on why I shouldn't fall in love and never on why I should. Which sucks to say but what other way can I really put it? It's this and that and then there's nothing. Like, be so for real. I'm so sick of it and honestly, I'm just tired of going out of my way and being nice to people now. It's such a waste of time and I just wanna end it all if I'm being honest.