Blog Post 311

Maybe One Day You'll Remember Me Again

… I should’ve listened to my heart before thinking someone like you would ever be good for me! I guess I was too caught up in the feeling of being in love only to realize my love would never be enough to keep you around! I wish I could have faced the truth but instead, I let my emotions get the best of me and was blindsided by the truth which was you leaving me alone by simply just walking out of my life as if I was holding the door open when in reality I just gave you the key because I guess I wanted to trust you to do the right thing!

But I was wrong in all sense of direction and it’s my fault for trying to make something out of nothing at first glance! How fucking dumb must I be for me to go out of my way to treat someone so right and so well just to be left to feel like everything I was trying to do was never good enough for someone like you! It fucking hurts being called all those things just to find out you were going to leave me in a few days! Like was it ever really worth all the effort or was it just to see how easy it would be to get in bed with you? Which I had no issues with because I lowkey wanted to fuck you and I got that with no question but at what cost? If I had known it was just for that I would’ve taken my time and made it worth my wild but now that I understand it better and what you wanted I should’ve never approached you / let alone allowed it to happen the way that it did! I’m probably not even the first person you’ve done it with and that’s okay but damn at least make your intentions known like I did and I thought that’s what we were doing but I guess I was way off seeing how things went down just now!

Like I said I guess it’s my fault for putting my trust in a college kid thinking something good would come out of it but nope!! It was the complete opposite and I’m the only one to blame for thinking that! I guess you could be the good guy in my opinion but all my friends think you’re the bad guy and I don’t wanna say I agree or disagree I’m just saying if the roles were reversed you’d be at my neck with a knife! But me I let it slide because there’s nothing I can or want to do with you! You were nice and sweet and I guess it was just an act to get what you wanted and if that’s the case then I’ll probably never trust another soul again! I don’t wanna feel like I was used let alone only good for one thing and one thing only even though I didn’t realize someone like you would even consider doing it with me!

If I’m being honest I told myself you were out of my league but I went for it anyways just to see where it would go and it went well for the first few hours to a day but then shit shifted and I wish I knew why but I think from all the information / doing that you did and said it’s clear to me where it was coming from! So I apologize once again for trying to keep in contact and reaching out to see how you were doing when it’s clear to me what you’re after and I’m glad I gave it to you but I still wish it could have waited / we could have made it more clear about our wants and needs! But it’s over now and you’re done and gone so why bother watering a dead flower when there’s plenty more to pick and choose from? Just wish you wouldn’t have lied to me and made me believe in something that was never real! Now my outlook on love and feeling things for other people has really shifted for the worse and now I don’t know what’s going to happen to me when love hits me out of the blue and that person is everything I need only to make them hate me because I wasn’t sure if they were being for real or not! But oh well it’s not my problem anyways! I’m damaged as is so it’s best if others just stay away from me altogether!

Just sucks I had my friend delete our text so there’s really nothing to look back on even though our text was a form of proof of what we had was real and now that they’re all gone it’s like you were never real so now I’m stuck trying to figure out if it was really worth it or not feeling the way that I feel when it comes to you! Like I don’t know my feelings have so many levels that it’s like a drug and I don’t know how to stop consuming it! The feeling you gave was all positive but then it ended and now I’m lost for words as to what I should be doing! I feel confused yet relieved that I didn’t have to waste any more of your time or feel like a bother to you! So I guess there’s that but then there’s a part of me wishing it could have worked out and I would have done anything to make us work if you had just given me the chance! But I guess in another life if I ever meet you again I’ll ask for forgiveness and ask for your hand and let you take the lead when the timing is right! But for now I’ll move on from the thought of ever knowing you and letting you breathe, live, and love in your own way! I wish you the best but at the same time, I gotta remind myself that you’re the one who hurt me and I gotta take precautions every time I meet someone new now, which sucks a bit but I’d rather do that then sit here and feel like I’m not good enough for anyone!