Blog Post 312

Should've Never Let You Go

I know this isn’t right but I just gotta get it out because I can’t seem to focus on anything right now due to you still being stuck on my mind! Like I don’t mind it but it at the same time it’s not good for me either! It’s just one of those things my mind is trying to either let go or somehow think of a way to keep you around / make amends for what had happened and move on from it knowing there will never be another day where we’re together / next to one another and as much as I want us to be together life just seems to have something else planned! So I apologize for how I’m acting and how things have been going on between me and everyone else around me! It’s hard trying to put a smile on my face when in reality I just wanna cry and wish everything was back to how it was! But knowing time it never goes back! I just have to move on and learn from my past even though this time it wasn’t on me but yet it still hurts knowing there was nothing I could / let alone anything to go on about to fix it! It was like a one-shot one kill type of deal and it hurts knowing I didn’t see it coming sooner!

I just hope wherever you are and whatever you’re doing you’re happy and healthy! I don’t wanna wish harm and negativity towards you because that serves no purpose or good to you! I just want the best for you even if it’s miles and miles away! I don’t know you just meant a lot to me and now that you’re gone it’s hard to process it all even though this is me trying to process it all! Me writing it all down while thinking of ways to better myself and be happy without you is me working on what’s best for me! So I apologize if it seems like I’m bashing you with these posts but it’s the exact opposite! You’re the first person in a long time where I didn’t have to hide my true self and I could express my emotions freely and I enjoyed every second of it! So thank you for not having me be something I wasn’t! It was a great feeling! 

I just wish we could have lasted a bit longer or made some sort of agreement to stay friends! I would have been down to just hang out every few times a month or something like that! It just sucks seeing someone you care about walk out of your life knowing it wasn’t anyone’s fault! I just never expected/let alone knew how to react other than just hoping you’d come back rather than going off and asking why when there’s no point once the decision was made! So I apologize for not acting out or crying over it! I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do other than exactly what I did! I’ve seen this happen way too often that the feeling just felt normal and I acted as if it was normal to not reach out or react! Maybe if I had would it have made you stay or would it have made you think I was crazy? You tell me? Because from my point of view, me not reacting is a form of communication! So I’m sorry if me being nonchalant and to myself during times like this makes you uncomfortable but I’m not trying to go at it with anyone anymore! You chose to leave so I let you do you! If you wanted to talk about it beforehand we could have but instead, you did what you did and I did what I did! Nothing less nothing more!

I just can’t stop thinking bout you and if there’s ever going to be a way for us to rekindle the relationship and fix the heartbreaks we caused in the near future?! Or will we always just see one another as strangers with some history? I’m just saying you were really great and if you have any interest in ever talking or reaching out I’m totally down to do so! I just hope we don’t go back to breaking each other’s hearts! But other than that being said I’m really not sure as to what I wanna do or say right now! Because I’m all out of thoughts and my mind is finally clear from all the confusion between us two! I accepted it for what I thought it was and let it go! But if you wanna explain to me your feelings & thoughts about as to why you did it then I’m all ears but until then I’ll wish you the best and pray that you get the guy you deserve and makes you happy!