Blog Post 313

Fell in Love with the Pain

Hey sorry I missed your call. I wasn’t sure what more there could have been said other than an I miss you! But I know deep down inside my heart I can’t say that because the feeling won’t be mutual and I can’t tell someone I miss them when they’re the one still unsure how to feel about me! So I let it ring and told my friend that you were the one who got away even though I somehow wanted us to work! 

I guess part of me is done trying to make my existence known to you! Because clearly, I’ll never cross your mind like how you do to mine. I get that it’s only been a few days but god damn this feeling that I’m having is so much stronger than anything I’ve ever felt before and I know that I can’t do anything with it but at the same time I’d like to understand what it was that I was doing wrong for you to get up and leave the way that you did! 

I know things tend to happen for a reason but my reasons for being with you were always pure and genuine. I might have said some out-of-pocket things for laughs and jokes but never in a way to hurt you! I wanted to get to know you better so I  could be closer to you not so you’d push me away and leave without a trace! It’s just sad I’m stuck feeling like this even though there are more things for me to do than sit here on a rooftop thinking bout all the wrongs I did in the past for this to be my punishment! 

Maybe this pain is what I’m supposed to feel since I haven’t felt anything but happiness for a while and now it’s back to the normal way of things! I tried so hard to steer away from the pain that life threw my way before that I thought it finally ended but I guess life has plenty more rounds of it and I’m back to the beginning of it, it looks like! I just feel like the love I give out is never good enough and that maybe I should just stop trying altogether ya know! But then again there’s a part of me that wants to keep going to see the outlook of it all but then I know if I do that then I know I’ll just end up hurting myself over and over again!

I just know there’s more to this game of love but honestly, if I’m just going to keep playing it over and over and just lose then there’s no point of continuing the game! I wanna be able to trust and understand someone’s point of view and their beliefs on life but if it’s just going to repeat the same thing over and over again of me losing them then I’d rather just watch from the sidelines and not bother with any of it! 

Like I get I’m a bit messed up in the head but when it comes to people I care about there’s a whole different side of me and that’s what people don’t realize about me! I act way differently to those I have feelings for and have a lot of respect for! Everyone else kind of just gets the bare minimum and it’s not that I don’t care to give it my all to them it’s just I can’t treat them the way I would treat the one I’m in love nor / have something beyond a friendship with! Just feels weird and makes me think that they’ll think they’re not special or I just see them as a friend when that’s not the case!