Blog Post 315

Don't Know, Don't Care Type of Shit

My heart is still intact it’s just missing a piece! So here I am asking if you’d be the one to fill in the missing piece or will you be the one to break it all apart! You make me feel some type of way but then again I know you’ll be the one to break my heart to no return if I continue to go on like this! I want to be straightforward with you just not to the point where it feels like I’m attacking you!

I want you to be mine but I can’t go through the pain of knowing I’ll end up losing you! So can we just test the waters and see what happens! I’m most likely to drown in the deep end but if we stick to the shoreline and just catch a vibe we should be good! I just don’t wanna rush into anything because of the shit I’m trying to process and figure out!

It’s just when I look at you I feel like everything is good and well and I can just be free to be myself with you with no questions asked! But if I end up doing too much then let me know and I’ll adjust but right now I just wanna play my part and let you get to know the real me even though the real me is traumatized and hurt in so many ways that it’s hard for me to open up about a lot of things! But if you give me the time sooner or later you’ll understand me better than anyone I know! But like I said I’ll wait it out and let it happen when the timing is right! 

I just don’t wanna feel this way towards anyone when you’re the only one I want! But it’s hard keeping people around when I fear I’m not good enough! So I go out of my way to make sure they’re happy and taken care of even though I overdue it sometimes and I wish I could stop myself but I can’t! I’ll either care or I don’t and it’s never in the middle! 

I just wanna treat you right and love you the right way and if I end up doing something wrong let me know and I’ll work on my mistakes and we can go from there! But knowing me I don’t make that many mistakes unless my mental health is getting in the way and then I’ll end up taking a step back and figure it out on my own! But I’ll still love you and stay loyal to you I’m just not trying to put all my problems on you! It’s just not who I am! I’ll fix your problems but you won’t be able to fix mine! It’s just how I am and as much as you wanna try to fix them I won’t let you!

I’ve always been the type to be very independent ever since I was like 14 so having someone around me helping me just makes me feel like I can’t do something when I know I can it’s just going to take me a minute to figure out how to do it right and well if that makes sense! If not then I apologize but someone helping me in my darkest times will never see the light of day! It’s just too much to go over so I’d rather just keep it civil say I’m fine and keep a move on! I’ll deal with the pain and tears when I’m at work but when I’m with you it’s all smiles and love nothing more nothing less maybe a tear or two but you’ll never see it!! 

It’s just how my brain works around these sorts of things! It’s got nothing to do with you I just have very strong feelings and if I show them it’s just going to push you away and I’m not trying to push you away when I just got you, you know?! It just feels like I’m doing too much in my head when I’m just sitting there vibing out and responding back to you!

I don’t know I’ve been told a lot of things about myself and I’m trying to work on them all at once which I know it isn’t healthy and I think that’s why I have so many breakdowns because I can’t process all the rights and wrongs about me when they’re literally right in front of me! It’s just a lot to handle sometimes so that’s why I’ll go ghost and come back as if nothing happened! It has nothing to do with you it’s just me trying to better myself for you but all it’s doing is pushing you away and I never meant for that to happen and I wish I knew how to prevent it from happening but once it starts it won’t stop until I feel better about myself again which sucks because that could take weeks to figure out!!