Blog Post 318

Sorry for Loving You Like That

So I guess you were right about me not being able to love anyone. So you can come take this heart and do as you please with it because I'm clearly never going to go out of my way and use this shit anymore. So come meet me in the back and take it from me. This shit is pure useless and I'm tired of feeling things when I simply just wanna be free and I can't be that when I've got a rush of emotions flowing through my system all because I found an interest in someone. I just feel like I could be doing so much more if I didn't have to live with this heart that I was given.

I get it I'm not the best when it comes to showing my feelings but when I do I go all out and make sure that person is well taken care of and loved to the fullest. But then I end up getting hurt after I use it and I'm just tired of feeling this hurt and pain caused by others. When I was simply just trying my best to give it my all with them. I don't know I'm just tired of it all simply put. This whole falling in love with someone just feels like it could all just be a fever dream and I'd forget about it all. But maybe I'm wrong about all of this when it comes to using my heart but every time I think I've got it together I'm proven time after time as to why I shouldn't be going out my way to use it and that shit pisses me off.

I just feel like another heartbreak would do me good so I can fully back away from this feeling of wanting to be with someone when I can just tell myself no because they're just going to be another person to break me. I'm going out of my way to heal and avoid others but then I get caught up in someone's doings that I can't help but be kind and then I feel bad for being that way when I know it was just for a tempory moment but I guess letting them see me for me isn't all that bad. 

I don't know how I'm supposed to act or feel right now because I wanna stay in my caring phase but then again it's just going to hurt me if I stay in it. I wanna be so nonchalant about everything but then people will start to pull away and tell me to go seek help when I'm simply just process all my mistakes. I don't know what I need to do but it's definitely not being around people (at least for the next few weeks) I just need time to think and clear my head and feelings about everyone and everything. I get I'm a bit heartbroken and me trying to figure out how to repair that is going to take some time because knowing me I'll probably just let my heart be what is it and ignore all the signs. I want to be with someone but not if they're just going to break me time after time. I don't know why I keep trying to fix things with people but I think I'll just stop fixing the past and work on fixing myself for the future.