Blog Post 322

I Wish I Could Believe It..But I Can't

I know this might sound wrong but I get that I was never on your mind to begin with but when you told me that I was going to be the love of your life I had to take a step back and realize that’s a lie because we were never even dating! You tried to tell me step by step of this and that only to make me wanna steer further away from you!

I guess the fear in my head kicked in of you potentially leaving after discovering all my flaws when you weren’t even concerned about my doings! So as I sat there listening to you talk your head off about me and the future we would have I kind of just laughed it off because I knew this was just another life lesson so let me just sit back and watch it all play out!

I have this thing when people claim to see a future with me I be pressing the fast-forward button in my head and watching it all play out only to find out it comes crashing down 4 months in because of how easily drained and broken I can get from all the toxic doings on my part and there’s! So I try to keep my head up high and let them take the lead and let shit be for what it is and eventually letting everything we know about one another fade away!

It’s not like I do it on purpose it’s just a cycle for me that’s constantly on repeat with those trying to be with me and I wish I could get past it but life keeps throwing temporary ass people at me thinking that’s what I need! When all I need is a nap and time to process all my unprocessed feelings so I can feel better about myself and can commit to someone seriously and not just for a minute or two because that temporary shit isn’t for me!

I love and care way too much and way too hard for someone to be temporary in my life! So if it’s something temporary that you’re looking for then please go elsewhere because you and I will never be together! I’m not saying we can’t test the waters I’m just saying the waters will be tested but I’ll hate you afterwards for making it seem like you really wanted to be with me but yet I find out it was just so you could make your ex jealous or some slimy shit that you had planned all along!

It’s just something about me feeling like a placeholder for someone else that just sets me off! It makes me feel as if everything you said and did was a lie or it makes me feel like you’re just making up for your past mistakes knowing that the past still haunts you. So you try your very best with someone new only to realize you’re not good enough for them either! So you keep repeating the cycle only to be exhausted because you think finding someone new was what you needed when the only thing you needed was time to heal.