Blog Post 340
You'll Shine Brighter When I'm Not Around!
I know this is going to hurt you way more than it hurts me but it’s just easier if I come out and tell you how I really felt about you all this time even though my time is almost up! There’s no need for me to keep it as a secret because by the time you see this and understand it I’ll be long gone to where you’ll be asking about my whereabouts knowing I no longer exist on this planet!
I tried so hard to do the right thing with everyone I’ve ever met but in the end, I just messed it up and blamed myself for all the mistakes that went on and kept the anger built up inside me to a boil! I didn’t care to express the ways I truly felt around the people that I cared about because the rage and pain I felt would have never made them see me the same way they once knew me! Watching someone I love see the other side of me hurts like hell because it’s a side of me I hide so well and when it comes out I lose all control and my emotions don’t stop spiraling out til my heart stops pounding!
It’s such an unpleasant sight for everyone around because it makes them ask how long I’ve been keeping this inside of me and I have to tell them since the beginning! Which really sucks I’ve gone that long without making a sound or scene about the things I really feel and what my heart is trying to bring to life! I hold back so many feelings to where they just clash with one another trying to find their way into the light only to get sucked into the empty void deep in my soul! There’s no point in expressing any sort of emotions when it comes to how I feel because the way I feel is indescribable and nobody will ever understand the meaning behind any of it! So I just don’t bother with the thought of having to feel anything that's good or bad coming my way!
I pretended to not care so well as a child that one day I was no longer pretending! I simply just lost all hope and energy to care about other people and their feelings that I just became numb to the thought of everyone and everything around me and I was kind of lost in what it really meant to have feelings towards anything going on in life! I felt fine about a lot of my doings but without the thought of feeling anything my doings sort of just became pointless to the point where I stopped doing things and just slept all day! I didn't care to be around people and didn’t care to reach out to anyone! I was silent for a year and nobody ever cared to check up on me! I loved it honestly! Not having to think I was bothering other people with my presence was so peaceful! I just did what I wanted whenever I wanted and just laid back and chilled!
I had zero motivation to make friends because I felt as having g friends was holding me back at the time! So I cut them off and learned to live without them! It got pretty lonely not having anyone around but at the same time, the isolation I put myself through helped me learn and figure out a lot about myself! My whole persona and outlook on life changed drastically during that time! I began to see people for who they really were from a distance and started cutting them off one by one and only chose to keep the ones with the purest hearts! But with everyone else, I kind of just dropped off the face of earth for them! I didn’t see the point in keeping my presence known around them! It was very therapeutic for me to dissociate and disappear from all the nonsense and social interactions!
I found myself to be in the loneliest and darkest places of life just to bring my ass out of there on my own and nobody else’s help! I needed to find a way to do things on my own and the first step was going down the rabbit hole and finding my way back out! I didn’t care to tell anyone what was going on or care to explain why I wasn’t around for a year! It was just something I needed to do on my own without the need of someone being right next to me!
I got through all that shit just to find out there’s another side of me nobody will ever come close to seeing! So I stay silent and hidden for the most part and it’s still a very rare occurrence that I let that side of me out into the light because it fucking scares the shit out of me! Turning into someone you don’t recognize/knew you could be just because I felt like I was in a dangerous situation with no way out! Like what kind of fucking up mind shit is that!
I’m still unsure why that side of me even still exists but in the next few days that side will be dead and so will I so there won’t be another occasion for it to be seen or heard! So let’s just get to the point and figure out how I’m supposed to say all this shit without the thought of you keeping up with me! You can go ahead and look through my phone for whatever it is you think you need to look through but there’s nothing on my phone that you haven’t seen before! You’ll be able to just use your face to unlock my phone so you can go ahead and find whatever it is you need to find but don’t get triggered for the things you end up finding!
You can go through all my notes and find your name being in one and read about all the things I wrote about you but never got a chance to tell you! You can go through all my drafts and unpublished posts to see what all my mind thinks of! You can find out all my secrets and see me in a different way or don’t it’s not my place anymore to tell you what to do when it comes to me and my stuff! I just need you to know whatever it is you find it’s all true and I hope when I see you in the afterlife you’ll forgive me for not telling you my thoughts on everything that hurt me when I was still around!