Blog Post 341

I Don't Even Know Anymore!

Why must you come to me asking me about who it is I like or let alone see an interest in? When you know every time I want someone to be mine and get to know them they leave me in the process. I'm too into my own doings that trying to make time for someone new will only cause chaos in my life. It's not that I'll treat them wrong or not be there when they need me. It's just I know how my brain and body operates around new people and especially those who are trying to be intimate with me. It's such a battle trying to distract myself from other people when all I really crave and need is someone to show me they care about me and are glad to see me. That's really it. I don't care for the fake shit or the only being around when it's convenient for them. I just want to find something pure and genuine with someone so I'm not stuck having to wonder about them and their doings. I just need someone I can trust and simply just love them in the best way possible even if it means ripping out my heart to make it publicly known as to how they really make me feel and what they mean to me.

I guess I've just been in the dark for too long to where no one really seems to be compatible with me and what I want. It's just a little bit of this mixed in with a little bit of that and it's getting to the point where it's no longer fun it's just getting boring and draining. It's easy for me to meet new people and go about a conversation but once they ask if I'm single I kind of have to pause and figure out why they're asking me that because why else would they ask me that unless they saw something in me? It just didn't make sense you know. So as I'm standing there figuring out how to answer their question I'm crying on the inside because I know them dating me is going to be a whole different experience than just being a friend of mine and it just sucks how life puts things into perspective for me. I don't want to hurt them but I also don't wanna lie to myself and end up drowning in a relationship with someone who doesn't know the deepest parts of where my heart really lies.

But also don't get me wrong I understand I have to take a chance and let those in that are asking for a chance, but if I can sense you're no good for me just from the look in your eyes you won't be getting a chance! I'm sorry for the inconvenience but if the eyes aren't lining up with what you're telling me and asking from me it's going to be a no. Now unless you can prove me otherwise or make your points proven to where I'm like damn okay fine let's see where this goes then yeah I'll go out of my way and make time for you. Just don't go out of your way to prove my point as to why I never gave you a chance in the first place. You can play your best cards to win me over but at the end of the day, your eyes will tell me everything I need to know. So be careful when choosing to get close to me, I might just kill your confidence with a simple up-and-down glance or a single word. Depending on how I feel about you at the time!