Blog Post 343

I Gave it My All, Just to Not Feel Anything Afterwards!

I'll never come to terms with how you treated me when I needed you the most and it's okay. I was never really sure about you anyways. It's just a shame you told me to call you in my darkest times just for you to tell me to stop calling I'm busy. I guess it's my fault for feeling so down to the point where nothing seems real to me anymore and I'm so lost in the thoughts that everything I say is just getting me a one-way ticket to the psych ward. I was in tears trying to figure out who to talk to about the things I was feeling and going through just to find out I had nobody to go to. 

It's pretty clear that my time is up and nobody is around to see me in my most vulnerable state and honestly it's okay with me. Because the thought of not knowing how everyone would feel once I'm gone no longer lingers in the back of my head when you just proved my answer. So I hope it's okay if I just take this time to pack my stuff and give the rest that doesn't fit away and sell the other stuff and give that money to the ones who need it the most. There's no better feeling than letting go of everything around me to finally be at peace within myself and no longer have to keep hurting those around me with just my existence. Life will be so much easier for everyone that I once knew and those who were close to me and next to me at all times if I simply just vanished.

There are so many things unsaid and a lot of mistakes I tried to fix but at the same time, I ran out of time trying to backtrack to my past to fix all the things I did wrong to make peace with myself and that person involved. So I'm sorry if I still had issues to solve with you and make peace with the thought of you. But my time ran out before I could get to you and I take full responsibility for that. I should've done it sooner but life was spiraling out of control and I lost myself from a lot of shitty doings and I just stopped caring. So yeah go ahead and put the blame on me. I just wish you knew that I always loved you from the moment I met you.

I just kept my feelings to the side so I didn't seem so emotional when that's all I ever am with those I love and care about. But then they call me clingy and the drama for going out of my to make sure they're okay and are felt appreciated but then go and push me to the side only to try finding me just to see I'm in a place of no return. So whatever it was you thought I felt about you keep it to yourself. I told you every day how I felt and you thinking I was just saying it for fun is honestly more hurtful than you breaking up with me. I had such a hard time processing the feeling that I felt for you and everyone around me that I did all could to show you how much you meant to me but then you say some shit and now I no longer even care to smile or breathe around others. 

You can say you're sorry a million times and try to sympathize with the wrongs you did. But it'll never change the way I felt and saw you after that moment. I tried to think of better ways to go about the situation but the only thing I could do was just shed a tear and move along. All I ever wanted was to be close to you but you pushed me to the side and I felt a part of me breaking every time you stepped further and further away from me. I felt as if you hated me from that point on so I stopped everything I was doing and just left you to be alone and do you. I felt you pushing me out the way like that was a clear sign of you being done with me.

But then you go and call me asking me where I'm at and where I went when you literally pushed me away. Like what the hell do you mean? You mean to tell me you pushed me to the side and expected me to still be next to you? You replied back with I didn't even realize it so now I'm stuck crying at my phone in the dark for thinking you hated me and what not only to see your car parked out in front of my house and I come walking out to hug you even though I thought you hated me! You held my hand and told me that you were sorry and that hug you gave me lasted way longer than normal so I knew you meant it. So I let you in the house only for you to come closer and closer to where your heart lines up with my heart and they're beating in sync. 

I wasn't sure what more I could have done other than just stare at you and shed a few more tears. I felt as if my life was falling apart and then you came in and put it back together without questions asked. So I'm appreciative and grateful for that. No one has ever done that for me. Especially without the thought of needing to ask me if I needed help. I guess you could just tell where my mind and heart were and you stepped in to help out. 

I could tell by the gentleness of your doings that you've been through this before so I asked you what your story was and you told me and after that I felt even sadder so I cried again because nobody should be going through the things we go through and expect to have a smile on our faces. I hate that you, me, and the rest of the people we associate with have to go through shitty ass environments just to be called the things we're called. No, we just have trust issues and we've seen this all before to where we know not to let out too much info but enough to keep you around. It's a self-defense mechanism that we use to protect ourselves from the hurt and pain that people bring us.

So I'm sorry if I'm not very well put together when it comes to my feelings or anything on that topic. But I fucking love hard and to the fullest to where no one else matters and if you think I want that other person when I'm making plans specifically with you and clearing out my schedule to make time for you then honestly, just go be with that other person. I have zero interest in these little games of you thinking I want this and that when my eyes and heart only care for you. But go ahead and be my guest to leave me for someone else. I've seen this all before so it's nothing new. You get annoyed with me over something simple so you try and make a scene about me wanting someone else when it's you who wants them so you go off only to leave and text them hey, I'm free. Trust me I know the drill. So just go do you and leave me be! Stg this shit mad annoying!!