Blog Post 350

Only Cared to Love the Ones Who Left

I guess it’s pretty fucked up for me to go and write about this sort of thing but if it’s true then what’s the harm in it? I don’t care for the ones who tend to stay it’s always the ones who leave without a trace! Makes me wonder what their deal was for coming into my life and then dipping out of the blue! It’s like a drug I can’t sustain! I’m always finding a way to fall in love with someone new just for them to ruin me in the end! But I guess it’s just the thought of getting them to be with me that made it worth my wild! It’s easy for me to get so caught up with someone only to get bored with them because I only see the good in them so their flaws never seem to be a problem for me until it’s too late!

I wish I could love the ones who stay but I see no point in that when there’s nothing really special about them in my eyes! My feelings only get stronger for someone when they leave and tell me it’s for the best! I get it, it's pretty fucked up how my brain and heart go about the things people do and say to me but for the ones I fell in love with it never goes as planned! I’ll push them to the edge and ask myself what went wrong when the answers are right in front of me! 

I can’t help but do it every time because I’m scared of what the future holds for me and them! I can never tell if their feelings for me are pure and genuine or if they’re just using me to get their ex to feel some type of way! It’s all such a blur when it comes to meeting someone new! It’s almost as if I enjoy the thought of knowing they’ll end up leaving just for me to feel some type of way about them!

I can tell by the way people talk and move around me that they’re only looking for one thing and one thing only and when I don’t give in they leave and it’s all good with me! Because I’m not bout that life anyway so no hard feelings! Like I understand if I have an interest in you then I’ll be down to go and do it but with most people, I steer clear from doing that one thing! Just never made much sense to me to do it with someone you have no feelings for! I mean yeah it’s cool if you’re just out and you can’t help but find them attractive but even then one-night stands have never really been a thing for me! I had one and never cared to hear back from them ever again! I guess I’m just weird like that!

It’s just easier for me to meet someone get to know them and let them know it’s not meant to be and leave them alone! I’m not trying to waste anybody’s time by having them force their way into my life just to sit and wonder bout what I’m doing when I’m asking myself why they haven’t left me yet! It’s such a weird feeling for me to meet someone and them not leaving me after a week or so! Because I’m not the type to entertain anyone so why stick around me as if I’ve got something you need? When the only thing I have is anxiety and depression?! 

Be so for real right now! It's not like I want them to leave but at the same time, I don't see the need for their presence. It's almost as if I can't trust myself to be around them without thinking it's a prank or simply something is just off by the way they're reaching out asking to hang out with me. Like huh? You mean to tell me out of all the people you could have chosen to hang out with and be around you chose me? Like are you good? Cause I'm not the type you go and ask hey can you hang out without you having something up your sleeve. So tell me why it is you're asking me to hang out because it sure isn't because you care about me.

I just feel like some things are always off whenever it comes to other people involving me in the there doings. Especially when we have nothing in common and all of a sudden you need me to come hang out with you? It just doesn't make much sense to me. I get it I'm not out there being in the known or care to be seen but it's because I don't trust anyone around or near me. So I have no reason to be randomly hanging out with someone just for the hell of it. I don't know maybe me being an introvert prevents me from certain social settings and doing but the way I see it. I'm just looking out for myself and my safety. I'm not going anywhere near those who are a threat even though I find everyone who randomly approaches as a threat. So I apologize for the inconvenience but maybe go a do your research on what I'm like and how I do things before assuming you can just come and talk to me thinking I'll respond.