Blog Post 351

It's 11:11 So Here's My Wish

You'll probably never see me ever again but I just need you to know that I made a wish and it was for you to live a long-lasting life hoping everything would go your way. I didn't mean to come into your life that random Wednesday afternoon and ruin your perception of me. I guess I was scared to talk to you knowing that you were everything I needed at the time. So forgive me for what I'm bout to say in this post. It was never fully my intention to lead you on or make you feel unwanted. I was just lost in time thinking about you only to realize me not doing anything about it is what drove us apart. I should've stayed and asked you for your number but I just laughed it off and walked away knowing me and you would be one hell of a couple only problem was I wasn't ready for someone like you.

I felt as if I had stuck to my heart and asked you out it would have only hurt you in the process. I wasn't sure if my doings at the time were even right, to begin with. Everything in my life at the time felt so wrong but knowing how you were you could have easily came in and saved me from all the pain and trauma I was going through so I wouldn't be the person who I am today. But instead, I chose to look away and walk away from you and everything we had. I felt like it was no longer any of my business to keep you around just to make myself happy knowing it was killing you on the inside. I could never live with myself knowing I chose my happiness over someone else's. 

I felt as if we had fought that I would never live to see the day when we would see eye to eye. So I left you alone and let you do what you needed. I haven't heard from you since that night and now that I'm sitting back thinking bout all the good times we had I just hope you're doing well and are being safe in this crazy world that we're living in. I felt like me not having to worry about your doings was the best choice at the time because you were out of town and I was deep in my work where I didn't even have time to check my phone and see if you had called or text. Which is my fault for trying to distract myself from the issues that were at hand between you and me. 

I did my best to make sure certain things and people didn't get in between the two of us but the way time was speeding up everything seemed to be so far gone from what we intentionally had hoped for. So I let the thought of you go and erased the memories we had made and went about my own doings without letting you wonder about my existence. I felt as if it was easier that way but now that I'm looking back I can see there was a better way to go about doing what I did. I was just tired and didn't want to see you shed your tears at the time knowing that your heart would shatter if I didn't leave you sooner. I just thought me walking away would have been the best route at the time. That's all. I never expected you to go out of your way and track me down only to show up with a note in your hand that read "I'm Sorry I Couldn't Save You From Your Past."

I was in tears when I read that note that night because I never mentioned my past to you. So for you to hand me a note that had that message on it made me see that you knew more than I thought. I thought I was doing a pretty good job at keeping my past away and hidden from you but somehow you found out and I'm still unsure to this day how that's possible when we were only together for like 8 months at the time. So the things you knew and held from me must go deeper than what I mentioned. So now I'm stuck trying to rewind time to figure out when I had the time to talk about my past with you when my past is all over the place.