Blog Post 353

What's Right, What's Wrong Pt. 2

My heart and mind were never in sync when you were away! My mind told me one thing while my heart screamed for the other and it was just too much to keep up with! I tried to hear out every possible solution to what could have gone right and wrong but it wasn’t good enough because I felt as if I wasn’t good enough! So I cried in the dark and smiled in the light! There was never a confusion on those two and when they should be seen! It was like a set time and doing! Cry in the dark to avoid the questions and smile during the day to make people think I was fine and well! But fucking hell trying to smile through all the pain and suffering killed me more than the actual thought of you leaving!

It’s just sad thinking how someone like you could ever understand a guy like me knowing I’ve been broken to pieces and had to fix myself all on my own just to feel empty and unloved by everyone around me! But you came in and showed me what I’m capable of and brought me out of the darkest place I’ve ever been in to show me there was more than what was being shown to me! I know it wasn’t my place to shove you to the side when you were just trying to help me get my mental health back together! I’m sorry for making you feel like I didn’t need you when I needed you and wanted you next to me more than ever! I thought if I didn’t show you any sort of love or attention it would make things easier on my heart and mind because what’s a girl like you doing with a guy like me I asked myself!

I was a goner from the moment you met me only to make me realize you weren’t leaving anytime soon! So we had a bit of laughs and a lot of cry’s only for me to realize you could be the one but knowing how much my life loves to prove me wrong with the thought of someone being the one I just dropped it! Because there’s no way it could have actually happened! I was so unstable at the time that seeing you sit next to me felt so wrong that I waited for you to leave to walk away from the connection we had just made! 

It was an out-of-sight out-of-mind sort of thought process that didn’t end up working because I kept seeing you day after day and I didn’t know how to tell you I needed space so I just felt happy and unsure about what this was! I was happy that you even cared enough to come to find me but also numb because I would run out of things to talk about so I’d just stare off into the distance hoping I’d think of something but the only thing that came to mind was you and your safety! I felt that you being around me wasn’t safe so my mind backtracked and pushed you away once again! Only for you to see me cry and come to ask me why I pushed you out only for me to respond with idk while frantically freaking out about the thought and situation that just happened!

You told me to explain my feelings only for me to respond with what feelings because in the aftermath of knowing what just happened, I became so numb that nothing felt real! I wasn’t even aware of what my current state of mind was at the time! I felt as if time was lost and you were just someone I had imagined! I never felt this way before and for you to figure out why I was acting like this even put you in a shock! I look back at the wall only to see a photo of some sort so I get up and fall but end up getting back up only to realize my legs were asleep and I didn’t know how or why! So I crawled on the floor to go get the picture only to realize the picture was you and me with a cake celebrating my 18th birthday! 

But how can that picture exist when I was only 16 at the time? So clearly all this had to be a dream I thought only to look at the year and find out it was indeed the year 2015! I guess the games my mind had played to save me from the thought and pain of losing you ended up saving me too! I guess my mind thought it would have been easier to just imagine your existence to keep me company even though your existence and soul were truly gone from this planet Earth and somehow some way my mind didn’t process it / come to terms with it being real!

So this whole time my mind and body were preventing me from killing myself and saving myself by simply just creating your existence out of nothing even though you were no longer around! I felt so much pain in my head and knowing my mind could even do that is fucking insane! I ended up checking myself into the hospital because I felt so much pressure on my body that I felt as if I going to pass out or worse! So I got checked in and then they told me I had a mini heart attack and something else! I left the hospital after everything cleared and I noticed the same picture that I saw in the mirror in my wallet and I just sat there in silence and closed the wallet back up! I simply just couldn’t go through the thought of thinking about you and feeling the pain of you not being with me anymore!