Blog Post 358

If This Is What It Feels Like...

I can tell this isn't the way I was meant to go about it all but if this is what the feeling is like when it comes to you then I'd have to go ahead and hit decline. There's no way I should be crying every time you say my name. I can't help but sit at every red light thinking about how things could have been differently knowing the only thing that could have prevented it all was simply by me just not coming in that day. But I did and you were there looking right at me. I was confused as to what to do so I just looked at the floor hoping you didn't notice me only to see you at the checkout line.

I got so nervous my heart was beating faster and faster by the second that I started to shake a bit because I didn't know if you were coming closer to me or if you had just stayed where you were. I left the store only to drive out of the city hoping you didn't follow. I never felt the things I felt til I was sitting in my car going 90 down the freeway crying my eyes out trying to escape the feeling you gave me. The flashbacks were hitting me all at once only to realize it was nothing more than a dream. 

I guess the thought of you and the feeling that you gave me still haunts me and it's my fault for not reaching out to see what exactly I could have done to save myself from this pain and feeling like nothing is worth doing every time you cross my mind. Your pictures scattered all along my bed thinking it would make me see the better side of you but nothing happened. Instead I just set them all on fire as I sat and watched hoping the fire would burn me as well so I wouldn't have to feel the things I was feeling. 

Things never made much sense when it came to you and I and I can see why. The way you and I were both so young doing grown shit was never how life as a teenager was meant to be. We were basically married behind closed doors just to wake up not knowing one another when it came to being out in the real world. I thought we had it all figured out but clearly we never really had a clue as to what we were and what was happening. I tried to move on from the thought of you but I couldn't. Something was preventing me from letting go and the thought of trying to find you in someone else just seemed like a nightmare, to begin with. I never loved or cared about someone the same way as I do when it comes to you. 

The feelings I have when it comes to meeting someone new just feel so temporary and it's gotten to the point where I run back to you thinking things would be different once again. It's all just a shame the way we met and how things ended up going for us just for it to all end so suddenly. But hey 5 years down the line and things never felt better I guess. We're on to our own doings only to realize we're still in contact even though the feelings we both have are still there but we're too scared to act on them. So we sit and watch each other from across the room only to leave through the back door and cross paths looking at one another knowing where this leads.