Blog Post 361

Just Two Kids Trying to Figure it all Out

Why must it always be a back-and-forth battle regarding the things we love. You say one thing but then do the other thing only to cry about not doing the other thing you had in mind. You claim you want more in life but you keep holding yourself back and I'm trying to help you in all the ways that I can but you still didn't seem to care to listen to me. So I let you do your own thing only to find out months later you fell off and started using drugs. I was in shock that my anger came out because what the actual fuck?! After everything we've been through you had to go and start using everything in the book and for what? Were you trying to get away from me that bad that you had to start using? Come on now be so for real. 

I called and texted you who knows how many times trying to get a hold of you just to get a dial tone and a message on my phone saying messages can't be sent. So like what the hell was I supposed to do? You're 2hrs away and I have no idea where it is you stay. I used to know everything about you but then you went and changed up to me now knowing nothing about you. We were so close for the longest time literally from 2nd grade (2006-2021) til on but then everything changed after I saw you back in 2021 when I came down for a getaway. You not talking or reaching out to me made me wonder as to what was really going on but I couldn't have a say in the things you were doing because it was your life. 

I wished you the best and to be safe. But then you took that as a threat I guess because of the way you were calling me and asking me for this and that knowing it was going for drugs I just let it be and let you get your high on knowing I was in the wrong for that. I was just scared for my safety at the time when you would call and beg and beg me for things. I could've said no but I didn't know if me saying no would have caused you to end your life or not. So I kept your number saved only to never hear back from you. It was emotional for me to see the things you were doing and going through knowing I could've helped you but you didn't care to let me help you. 

I didn't know what more I could have done other than send you numbers and links to where you go if things were getting really bad. I did my best to find your socials only to remember you deleted them. So I reached out to your mom hoping she would find a way to reach out to but I don't think she even bothered with what I had to say. I did all I could to find you help but you never took any of them. I stopped myself from helping you only to get a text one random day asking where I've been and why I stopped helping out. I had to think about who this was coming from only to find out the number sending the text couldn't be called so I thought it was spam and deleted the number only to wake up the next morning with 20+ texts from the same number. 

So I responded back with "Yo who is this" and I got nothing back so I just deleted the chat. I was confused as to who it could've been only to finally get a call from the same number and find out it was you. I was in tears trying to figure out what the hell happened to you. But you seemed to be just fine and the way you were acting seemed to be fine but the bruises and marks on your arms had me questioning as to what was really going on. But I didn't bother going through with it because I didn't want to upset you! It was all too unreal to see that a friend of mine really went off and fell off the face of earth just to be in the word mental state ever and act as if it was normal.

I tried to keep you on the phone for as long as I could but you ended the call out the bleu and I called back only to get a dial tone saying the line was disconnected. So I was like how the fuck is she calling me then? Everything about you just seemed so confusing and off. I ended up thinking the worst of the worst where I couldn't sleep some nights. I thought maybe you were being trafficked or s.a'd or worse. I just had so many thoughts running through my head that I had to go and talk with my therapist about it because it was the scariest thoughts that got to me. I calmed my nerves down only to forget certain things you told me and the aftermath of everything. I haven't heard or thought about the things you've been going through in almost a year but I sometimes have random thoughts of you here and there hoping things are back to normal with you and your relationship with your mom and dad is back to normal.

I really just wanted to get you back on the right track but I'm not sure if you ever found it. But maybe I'' continue to watch over and reach out through tiktok and somehow make you see that I still care and you still have me to talk to. I sent you my number and commented it on your video so you could easily see it. But I still haven't heard back or anything from you so it's just an uneasy feeling honestly. Giving someone you've known all your life basically only for them to not remember or understand why I would be going out of my way to help them. It hurts more than anything going through that especially when we were literally calling each other brother and sister and everyone around us really saw as that. I hope one day we can go back to being close and seeing each other more than we have been.