Blog Post 362

I Didn't Mean to Show You the Pain I Hide From Everyone

I know my past mistakes were stupid and uncalled for! But why would you make me sit and endure the pain everyone was making me go through knowing I would react in anger! You made it seem like the things people were yelling at me and then proceeded to break me down piece by piece was a normal thing! I was too afraid to be out and around others, and speaking to others didn’t seem to cross my mind! I ended up shutting down in public so I wouldn’t be noticed and approached! I tried my hardest to forget all the pain and abuse I was experiencing only to now be reminded of everything that went down because of you!

I felt alone most of my teenage years just to finally find someone who understands me and appreciates me for me even though my heart is still in pieces! I try my best to look at all the positives when it comes to my life but there's still some nights where I'll break down and feel so lost! I don’t know why I break down but it hurts knowing that the pain I feel is all because of you but I can’t tell you because you’re no longer around and we can’t ever discuss the things that happened! I try so hard to block it out but certain things just bring it up and I don’t know how to stop myself from thinking about it!

I’ll never fully understand why I had to be the one to be involved in your life when I was doing just fine on my own! But no you saw me all alone and decided to butt in and break me down knowing damn well I was already suffering from other symptoms. So for you to go out of your way and do the shit you did really makes me wonder as to why your existence even still matters! You being around me made me have severe anxiety and I know I was young but what gave you the right to break me apart the way that you did? You knew how much I cared about the things I did only for you to make me hate everything I once loved including you!

I can no longer look at myself the way I once did when I was younger because that person I once knew died in the process of the abuse! You never took the time to defend me or come find me when I reached out to you! You left me to fend for myself only to realize my young age would have made me see life way differently then most teenagers! You not being there for me is what made me be so independent and uncaring to most things in life! Every time I try to care about something it just falls apart and ends up hurting me in the process! So I no longer see the point of trying to care for anyone but myself! I have no emotions when it comes to dating or relationships with other people! It’s just a vibe and if the vibe is wack then I dip! There are so many things I’m doing wrong according to people around me that I just no longer care to explain my doings! 

Everything I do is for me and me only! I’m not looking for validation from anyone! I didn’t care how mad you or anyone else around me got! Just don’t get in my way and you’ll be fine! You’re the one who wanted me this way and now that I am all you care to ask is why I’m like this. And what happened to the old me?! Knowing damn well you killed that version a long time ago! So don’t fucking sit here on the other end of the line knowing damn well what you did to me! If I had just walked away from you that day like I should have none of this would have ever happened! I just thought I’d be nice and kind to someone who I thought was a friend of mine but I can see that was never the case when it came to you! So honestly it’s my fault for giving you the time of day! Should’ve known not to trust a pretty face like yours! You’re all nothing but trouble for me!