Blog Post 363
Going Out of Your Way to Fix a Heart You Didn't Break
How did we even get to this point that we’re at? It’s like one wrong move only leads to three bad mistakes just to end up back to the start! We keep doing our best to make things work but still get caught up in the lies we once told! It’s not fair for me to be this way towards you when you’re just trying to help me! But I know deep down inside I’m broken and you’re just trying to do your best to help me! But sometimes I wish you didn’t! I sometimes need time to process the pain that I’ve been dealing with and let it be for what it is! It’s not like I’m trying to ignore the pain I brought upon myself but it’s more or less of something that’s not your problem to fix or solve! So if I could just be left alone when things get hard for me that would be great!
I’m sorry if what I’m saying might sound like me being an ass but it’s just how shit should be! It’s not your problem so why should you be the one to get involved? I’m sorry it’s just not making much sense for me to have you butt into my doings and issues just to feel confused as to why this sort of thing is causing me pain! I’m not trying to get into the reason why certain things cause me discomfort more than other things but one thing for certain is it’s got nothing to do with you! So just stay out of the way! I can tell you about why it upset me but the feeling behind it will never do it justice! There are so many tears I shed behind closed doors that it makes me feel as if I’m drowning! I can’t explain it more than that!
Everything happens for a reason and most of the time we just gotta learn from it but me unfortunately I never learn from it! It just keeps being a repeated cycle that won’t stop! I’m like the biggest mistake in most people’s lives that it causes me to hate myself and my own doings that I no longer care to be associated with those people even though it’s not their fault! My mind just makes me believe it’s all my fault when it’s simply nothing bad! I prevent myself from getting hurt by others by being the first one to walk away only to realize I can’t go back and if I was I’d have to explain myself and that shit just seems so stupid to me! So I’d rather just keep my distance and watch from afar! Nothing more nothing less! I just hate the thought of being a bother to someone’s life! It’s a feeling I’ve never really adjusted to! The only thing I can do is say okay and walk away! Not trying to ask or give an explanation about anything to anyone anymore! It’s just easier to walk away from everything! Not sure why but it is!
There’s always going to be someone who sees my potential and capabilities of some sort but I’m just not ready to give it my all to anyone right now! I’m just trying to fix myself and find my missing pieces! There are too many damaged parts to me that trying to be with someone would only hurt them and honestly I'm over the thought of hurting people that come in contact with me and end up getting close to me out of the blue! It’s like I’m a virus that needs to be treated! I never feel safe around others especially those that I randomly meet out of the blue such as clubs and outings! I feel so out of place sometimes that I just hide away and stay away from everyone! I don’t mean to be so anti-social but it’s my safe place!
I’ve been through a lot of heartbreaks and trauma and having someone new come into my life and trying to fix something that’s not there to fix would only make it worse! It would make me feel worse about myself knowing someone new came in to try and make things better only to break me instead! I’m just not ready to let someone new into my life! I’ve tried so many times before all this and nothing seemed to work! So I’m giving up and going off on my own! Out of sight of mind from a lot of people! Not trying to be seen or followed by any means! Don’t try and save me from the mistakes I’ve made! Just leave me how you found me and stop trying to fix something that’s not yours to touch! That’s all I’m asking from you and everyone else around me!