Blog Post 364
I Tried to Warn You... But You Didn't Care to Listen
I know this isn’t the time but you were always on my mind even on the days you were going off and throwing shit my way knowing it had nothing to do with me! I went back to the places I had no business being in because you were going off causing me more harm than good! As much as I would try and take it in part of me felt lost trying to figure out why you were doing all these things knowing I’d always be there for you! You didn’t seem to understand your problems were my problems but you kept going out of your way and making it seem like you had to do it on your own when I’m always right next to you! Even on the days I’m going through personal shit! You were coming at me sideways and telling me I was never there for you made me realize you didn’t mean it and you were just going off on the anger you felt so I just stood there thinking of what more I could do but before my mind could think of anything my arms were wrapped around you!
It was almost as if our friendship was on a need-to-know basis and I hated that for us! I remember at one point were close enough to know everything about each other but then suddenly everything just felt like we were going off around in circles trying to keep up with one another only to realize there was beauty in the silence for when the days we didn’t talk! I wish I knew you sooner so the pain they caused you never touched your heart and you wouldn’t be going through all their shit you tell me! It’s not your fault for the things they did to you! They should’ve never even approached you the way they did! It’s my fault for keeping this inside and not letting you know how I felt! I should’ve been there to tell them to not bother with you! But I was out and on my own thinking you were fine and nothing bad could come your way! But I was wrong and I take full responsibility for it and as much as you tell me I couldn’t have known about it! You’re right but I still blame myself for all the things you went through without me being next to you as a shoulder for you to cry on!
We tell each other to keep going and to push through all the pain and trauma but I’m highkey tired of pushing through the trauma and pain! I’m getting to the point where I feel like I have nobody and I can’t put myself in a position where I have to rely on someone and as much as I want to rely and depend on certain people who love me to the fullest it’s hard as hell when all my thoughts are constantly telling me they’re leaving so don’t get attached and I know most of it stems from my childhood and past doings but at the same time I wish it wasn’t like that! Sometimes I just wanna be around people I enjoy and not have to feel like a bother to them.
My heart and thoughts are never in sync so it’s hard for me to tell the difference between true love and fake love and also what’s right and what’s wrong when it comes to my doings! Sometimes I feel so insecure about my doings that I just shut off my emotions and become numb to everyone and everything around me to where I’m unrecognizable to society! Everyone thinks I’m happy and the life of the party but deep down inside I have no idea what’s going on and what’s my fastest way to dip without getting caught is all that’s on my mind! Cause I’m always preparing for the worst even when things aren’t even chaotic! I have the fight or flight mode on at all times and I know it makes me seem a bit jumpy and whatnot but I can’t help it! I just don’t trust anyone or anything around me, which sucks but with everything and everyone I’ve met they’re always teaching me something and it’s kind of annoying having to go back in time only to realize why it never mattered, to begin with! It was only meant for laughs and temporary fun but instead, you had to go and turn into something traumatic and painful!