Blog Post 365
Shit Hasn't Been the Same Since You Left
I guess I can go ahead and get this shit out there and be done with the thought of knowing it was my fault and there was nothing I could do to make it right!
We both knew where this path would have led us if we had made it our goal to walk down it! Every piece of my heart would shatter and fall apart with every step we took knowing there was no looking back at the life we once knew! I could have gone out of my way and put all of the shattered pieces into your hands but then again those pieces would have brought you back to me one day knowing what we had was real and worth everything we had lost! I don’t know why but the timing was never right and as much as we tried to make it seem like the timing was on our side and the things we shared were meant for just the two of us the stars had other plans for us! We pushed and shoved everyone out of the way just to get a glimpse of one another only to be pushed further and further away from one another!
It’s crazy how we were just kids at the time losing our innocence with our hearts still intact! I didn’t ask to be the one to go and hurt you but somehow I did and it’s sucks I had to live with the pain I caused you knowing I would’ve done anything and everything to see you happy! But somewhere down the line I fucked up and lost everything I once knew all because I couldn’t keep my promise to be the best version of myself when it came to you! I had thoughts of being someone else for you knowing that person wasn’t me but I would have just played the part so you wouldn’t leave me and clearly, that was pretty fucked up on my part! I just hate how we met thinking we had it all figured out when honestly we were just kids who were just trying to figure things out from the start!
I know we both didn’t ask to play the cards we were dealt with but what more could we have done?! I saw you one day and the next thing I knew you were mine to love only to somehow feel broken and lost in the end! There were so many things running through my mind when it came to you and everything around me! I knew the things I was doing were right but somehow I felt as if it wasn’t enough or good enough for you! I lost myself in trying to figure out how to love you again only to realize the love I gave out will never be the same again! I could only learn from my mistakes and go from there! I did all I could to make you feel wanted and secure about yourself and what we had but even then it all felt so wrong and I know it’s my fault for overthinking it even though I was only 15 at the time so the whole loving someone was completely new to me and apologize for cause you all the pain that I did! I should’ve taken more time to listen and be there for you! But I was young and dumb only wanting to make you laugh and smile!
I did all I could to keep my mind off you when you left but somehow I kept running into you thinking there should’ve been some kind of connection, but honestly, the only thing I felt was sadness every time I looked your way! I thought the love I had for you would last forever but now that I’m way older it’s clear to me that what I felt for you at the time was for sure real but it was my first true love and I think that’s why it was so hard for me to keep focus and process all the things I was feelings! I knew love would be a pain for me but knowing that’s how it’s supposed to feel I can say I enjoyed the moments we shared! I never knew growing up and trying to find love would be this hard after letting you go to do your own thing!
I keep waiting for it to come my way but I get no results! But every time I go out of my way and look for it, I’m put on a path that leads to you and I know it’s weird but I don’t know how else to go about it! I try and stop myself but then I see you thinking there’s something there between us two but I just turn my head and walk the other way! Because the pain I caused you still haunts me and I just don’t wanna see the pain I caused turn into tears falling down your face! It sucks how much I hate myself when you’re brought up! I wanna scream and cry but it’s not going to change the things I did to you and as much I wanna take back all the pain I caused I know there’s nothing I can do to change the way you felt that day!!