Blog Post 367

Lately, I've Been Thinking About... You & the Things I Regret!

I know me being gone for 11 years has caused you more pain than I’ll ever know but being away from you this long was never my intention. I thought maybe it would have just been a few weeks to a month! I never expected it to be 11 years! But yet here we are 11 years apart thinking we were so perfect together only to realize there will never be a love like the one we shared! Everything just flowed so effortlessly that there was no need to think about the things we did and said! I miss everything about you even the small things about you! I never knew missing someone over the smallest things could put me in such a feeling I can’t explain! 

The love we shared was unlike anything I’ve ever felt and for it to just end the way it did hurt like hell knowing it was my fault for letting you walk away! I thought if I ran and flew to you and asked for your hand again you would have seen how much you meant to me and how much I wanted you by my side! But I did all I could to make my feelings known to you from a distance and I know my flight plans changed and travel times were different from yours but we had a good run while it lasted! 

I understand that I’ll never have the same feelings that I had when it came to you with someone else because as much as I tried to do the same with them it would just backfire and I’d hate myself more and more as time went on trying to make things work with others knowing my heart once belonged to you and potentially still belonging to you! It’s all so confusing for me as to why my feelings are always traced back to you after all this time when we both knew things were coming to an end at the time and I know we were just teenagers and we were learning as we were growing but part of me knew you were the one for me only for reality to hit me hard in the chest and make me see that there’s no room for you in my life! As much as I would try and deny the feelings of hating you and not wanting anything to do with you my body pushed you away and led you to believe that you were the problem when it was me who had the problem! 

Everything was all fucked up with me at the time and I couldn’t help myself but do the things I did and I know it was never on your doings and I wanted to hold you one last time and just release the tears I was holding back but it never happened! I was mad at myself that turning my feelings off was all I could do so I wouldn’t have to hurt anyone else the way that I hurt you and for me to live a life with no feelings made me want to end my life! I had so much to express and feel that the only thing I ever showed was the pain in my eyes but anger in words! It was so hard trying to relate to those around me only to feel numb while doing it!

I guess the paths we were on were already chosen for us but if it meant losing you in the process then why didn’t we look for another path where we could have been together and love each other like we knew?! The path of you not being by my side was the loneliest path I ever walked! I tried finding ways to get to where you were only to hit roadblocks at every interaction! I thought if I waited things would have eventually lined up to where I could get close to you but you just kept getting further and further away from me where life just felt like an illusion and the thought of you was simply fading away as if you were never there! I tried so hard to hold on to us and what I knew when it came to you but even then the memories were simply slipping away as I waited!

 There was nothing I could do or say to get to you! I felt so fucking alone that I thought the only way to see you was by killing myself at the time! I didn’t want to feel the feeling of being all alone with no one to go to when you were my everything and my safe space! There was nobody who could compare or come close to replacing you! I had everything that I ever could have dreamed of right in front of me only to have it taken away leaving me to wonder what life was really about.

At the time there was nothing like you and me. Everything made sense to me that there was never a need to go back and forth on the things we did. But suddenly it all changed and I got stuck in a feeling I couldn't escape and my doings became so irrational and unpredictable that I just lost control. There were days and nights when I didn't show up to school because seeing you would have put me in tears thinking that the spark we had was now gone and I wasn't sure how we would ever get it back knowing my doings were still out in the open like the wounds I tried so hard to hide. 

Everything was out there and nobody knew what to do or say to me and when they brought up your name I just wanted to bash their head into the wall but I remained silent and still because I didn't want you to see or hear about that side of me. I knew I would have gone out of my way and done whatever it took to keep you safe even though we were dealing with our own problems at the time. I just wanted you to feel safe and if you ever needed something I would have been the one to get it for you. I wanted to be your prince charming but somewhere down the path I was led to believe was the path I chose was correct but things took a turn for the worse and I never really got a chance to recover from the things that happened to me while I was on that path.

I was led to believe the things I was doing were for the best of us but looking back at it all nothing about my doings were for the best of us. The fighting and arguing about this and that was so upsetting that seeing you cry made me realize this isn't who I wanted to be. I left that night because I knew my time was done with you. I ended up crying that night not knowing who I was or what was happening only to eventually end up in rehab because I needed to fix myself before it was too late. I was such a mess all I could think about was making it right with you knowing there's never going to be another day or place where we would talk about my doings when I got out. 

So me trying to come to terms with the facts of not being able to talk to you ever again just set me off completely to where my body completely shut down and I stopped eating and feeling everything all at once. I was gone for a few weeks only to see you a few days after my release to see you in the hallway with me feeling the saddest I've ever felt in my life knowing this is where things fully end and we no longer know each other. I cried at my locker trying to make a photographic memory of your face for the very last time because once that bell rang there would be no more you and no more us. So it was a very sad day for me that day and I know we never really got a chance to talk about what all happened and I think it was for the best that we just kept it that way. I wish I could apologize to you for how I acted and treated you back then knowing it was never your fault that made me become the person I was.