Blog Post 369
I Miss the Old You
You know where this is going so why act like you don’t understand the shit I explained to you over the phone? You keep trying to act as if it’s nothing when it’s something that matters to me the most! You keep pretending as if things are good between us two but then again you’re going behind my back to do some slick shit and then proceed to go off on me as if I’m in the wrong when I ask you about your whereabouts!! Which is fine if that’s what makes you feel secure and good about yourself but don’t expect me to sit here and make it seem like what you’re doing will make me stay! You wanna keep me around only to break me when I’m just trying to get through to you! I have a lot of love for you but sitting here thinking bout the damage and the cost it’s going to take to repair it’s making me feel like I should love you less and move on with my own doings from you!
You keep asking what it is I wanna do only to figure out how to come to my senses and tell you nothing when deep down inside I just want to walk away from it all! But I can’t because I fucking care way too much about you but you’ll never fully grasp that concept of me because you think me caring is just my way of asking for attention when honestly it’s not! I’m just being myself and trying to give you the love you deserve! But you go out of your way and do all you can to break me and make me feel as if what I’m doing is all wrong! It hurts knowing I’m going out of my way to make us work only for you to just push me to the side as if I’m just a stranger! I get that the pain and trauma that you hold onto is causing you to lash out and put all the blame you have on me when it’s really towards those who have hurt you in the past! It’s cool I get that! But you think I’m just like them is what gets to me the most! Because I’m not like them! And as much as you claim I am / could be! I’m not! I care too much about you for some reason and I know I probably shouldn’t at this point but I can’t just let go of you like how I do with everyone else!
There’s a part of me that wants to stay and see where this leads but eventually, if it gets too bad for my mental and physical health then I need to go! I’m not trying to cause a scene out in public trying to save myself from the thought of losing you! Things need to just be how they are and I can proceed with caution because there’s no telling what will happen between you and me when I walk through that door again! It could be my last and final time or it could be something more than what we already have but I’m not trying to risk it all to find out when you’re in the state of mind that you are right now! I’m going to just sit this one out and give you some time to figure it out! I’m not trying to bother you with the shit I have going on thinking I need to explain myself to you when you’ve got enough people that have some explaining to do! So I’ll wait til you get through with them and go about my day in the meantime! Not trying to do this anymore with you but I kind of have to because if I quit on you then I’ll have to live with the thought of what if I had just stayed?!
There's so many factors that go into this but you keep focusing on the wrong ones and it’s annoying as fuck highkey! But anyways I’m done with this! I just need you to go and figure out your shit and then come talk to me when you’ve got it all sorted out because I’m no stranger to walking out that door! My only concern is you going out of your way and stopping me trying to hold me back from living my life which in my head is not a pretty sight for you! So do me a favor and don’t hold me up when I choose to walk away! I’d highly appreciate it! I’ll remain to keep your name in good hands but everything else I’ll forget about and erase the thought of knowing you! There’s no need for the things we go through when there’s nothing good coming out of it anymore! It’s just I really miss the old you and as much as I wanna see that person I can tell it’s not in you anymore! So I’m taking this time to say my last goodbyes and giving up on the feelings I once had for you! Because it’s just not the same anymore!