Blog Post 370

You're All I See When I Close My Eyes

I guess this is where things start making sense since you're the talk of the town when it comes to me now. This is kind of crazy because we don't even really do much but cross paths with one another every few weeks only to give each other the side eye wishing things could be different between us. But instead, we keep pushing ourselves deeper and deeper into a hole that'll soon be filled with the things we never said to one another. I looked your way only to think about how things should be between us two but then my friends told me that you're no good for me only to go find out for myself to see how bad you really are towards me. I predicted that it was all just lies to keep me away from you but once I reached out to you and got a taste of what you were all about I could see it in your eyes that the things they were saying and warning me about were all true and it hurts thinking that I told myself they were all lies to begin with. But now that I'm seeing it first hand and feeling the pain that you've caused it's clear that you and I will never work in this lifetime. 

You had me bleeding out when all I did was ask for your name. I thought by dealing with the pain on my own you wouldn't see the tears falling from my eyes and see me as weak. I had my own thoughts bleeding out thinking about what I did to cause you to hurt me in the way that you did. I thought we were doing pretty good but I guess me reaching out to you had you feeling some type of way that day. I guess I ruined everything about us and the thought of us ever being together. I should've listened to my friends before getting this close to you. I should've seen it coming the moment I looked into your eyes knowing the pain you hide would soon come out to haunt me in the process of being with you. I kept it going to see how far you were willing to take it only to find out you were willing to go as far as to break me into pieces until there was nothing left of me.

I try so hard to ignore the feelings I felt for you and all the memories that we made those nights hanging out. But something just prevents me from doing so. I'm not sure if it's because I still love you or if it's because the attachment I have for you is stronger than what I had hoped for. You're constantly running in the back of my head making me wish things were different between the two of us and that maybe meeting you was wrong but yet also I feel like meeting you was a life lesson for me to never go out of my way and follow my heart knowing it would just cause me more pain than good. I just felt like there was something more to you than what people tell me but I was wrong for thinking that. You proved all the points they were giving me only to find out the hard way because I didn't care for the opinions of others when it came to you.

I guess the thought of you not being around hurt me more than the thought of me not being around you. There's something off about you and I that I wanted to figure out for myself only to realize we're both too damaged to heal from the trauma we've caused and been through. So we fall for the wrong ones thinking it would be worth the fight only to lose ourselves and everything we know. We keep trying to find the time to be alone but when it happens all we do is fight only to have make-up sex just to go back to being strangers. The pain we cause ourselves is the only feeling that we really know and it's so toxic to our bodies but yet somehow it feels all so good. So we doing it as if we can stop. I guess our time is just too valuable to give up on one another so we keep coming back to one another to see if we can make something out of nothing knowing it's just a repeated cycle of love and abuse all the same time.