Blog Post 371

Never Knew a Minor Change Would Hurt This Bad

I get we didn't know each other very long but the thought of you leaving and doing your own things hurt like hell. I thought of all the things we did only to realize it would all stop and nothing more would come out of us. The blame game was all too real to let anything else slide that we just lost control in the process and as much as I tried to hold on to the feelings we had they were just gone. I did all I could to save myself from the pain you brought my way only to realize that pain was all I was missing. All we ever did was go back and forth on letting one another go only to see what we were missing and go back and forth with the feelings only to come back and figure shit out only to repeat the cycle once more and even though that shit hurt like hell. It was worth it in the end. I used to call you day and night to make sure you were safe and well only to hear your voice telling me how much you hate the shit they do to you. So I come and get you and let you talk it out only to get lost in your eyes. 

There's something about you that that thought of letting you go just never made sense in my head. We have so much chemistry and history with one another that losing you would be like me losing my other half and I don't want to know what that feels like. Knowing the other half of me is gone and there's no way of finding it because the terms that were made weren't in our favor. So I would just hunt down another half only to realize they're not the one for me. You were the only thing keeping me afloat from drowning and as much as I tried to let you go and let me drown in the depths of hell you kept holding on telling me how much I meant to you only to realize it was lies because who actually goes out there way to save someone from the thought of thinking it would be best for them if they just no longer bothered with your existence if it meant saving you from the pain and tears that would soon come your way? 

It just never made sense to me why you went out of your way to save me. I thought nothing good would come out of you saving me when the only thing we really ever did was go back and forth on some stupid shit in the second half of our relationship. It was all too much to take in that part of me just lost interest in you. But you kept pushing and pushing to get my shit together when the only thing I was trying to do was protect my heart and mind from spiraling out. You never saw the pain I carried with me you only saw the fake smiles and laughter that came out of me. You only cared to really focus on the good and never the bad when it came to me. It felt as if what we had was never a mutual thing it was all just a show for you and only you. You didn't care to really care about me you only showed up and hung out with me at my highest but when it came to me drowning in the pain of suffering you just sat back and didn't say a word. You claimed to have loved me but the things you were doing said something different. So was it really love you were giving or was it pure hate from what you went through in your past relationship?

You tried blaming it on the alcohol and drugs but honestly, it was your own doing because nothing about the shit you put me through was based on the drugs and alcohol. You were just a mindless piece of shit who wanted to hurt someone for your own enjoyment and as much as I tried to leave and get you out of my life you somehow found a way back in only to deprive me of everything I had. You were like a cancer I couldn't cure and no matter how much I tried to make adjustments it was just slowly killing me in the end til everything I had was no more. So congrats for taking and making me less than nothing at the time of you being with me and knowing me. I hope you're happy with what you've done and caused because I'm letting everyone know how fucked up you really are. You claim to be this sweet and can do no wrong angel but you're the exact opposite of all that. So fuck you for being the thing that you were when being next to me.