Blog Post 372

Why Do You Lie to Me

Not trying to be that guy but this shit gotta stop. We talk and things are good only to run shit back and realize it was all a lie. I text you back only to realize the shit I'm bout to ask makes me look like I'm asking something stupid when it's just something I need to know about so I'm not stuck having to wonder about it all day and night. It's upsetting having to sit in front of you knowing there's something that needs to be asked only to hold it in and just forget all about it so I don't upset you. It's not fair having to know something that you think I don't know about. It makes me wonder if anything that you ever told was ever true or if it was all just for show so I would stay by your side. The things you do are so well hidden it's hard to tell if it's even worth trying to find out the things you do. I want to be part of your world but when you go and shut me out it's hard to tell if you and I are even meant to be. You claimed to love me but I look at you and say yeah right as if because if you loved me then you wouldn't be going out of your and lying to me. 

You act so innocently around those next to you but when it comes to me it's like I'm dealing with a whole new person and honestly, I can't keep up with whatever it is you're trying to be. It's like one day I know exactly who you are and what you want and need and other days it's like you're unrecognizable and I'm having to go out of my to figure out your needs and wants only to get told that's not right and to try again, like be so for real right now. You're no good to me and I don't know why I keep sticking around dealing with the shit you put me through. It's hard for me to let go of the feelings I have for you right now but some days I just sit back and listen to my music thinking it would be best to just walk away and go find someone new to be with only to text you asking if you and I are okay. Which sounds stupid but double-checking before I go and end it all is all I know right now.

We keep running in circles trying to love one another only to fall back and realize the love we want is only temporary. We get lost in each other eyes only to realize the pain we hide from one another. We make out under the stars only to cry in the end because the feeling is too real to understand knowing the damage we caused to one another can't be undone. So we sit and wait til one of us breaks the silence knowing it's always going to be because the awkward silence just kills me. So I lean in and put my head on your shoulder asking you random questions that I already know the answers to trying to see if your answers will change only to realize the answers stay the same and you go and ask me why I'm asking you when it's just so I'm prepared for what's to come when you leave me in the next few months to go be with the guy you're secretly in love knowing it's not me. 

I wasn't going to say anything and just do what I do best when it comes to finding some shit out about this and the third. But something told me to just stay and see how it plays out and that's what I did only to get proven right and I should've listened to my heart when that night you came out of the blue screaming at me over something that had nothing to do with me. I should've taken that as a sign that there was someone else. But I was too lost in your eyes to do the math that night. I just let you scream my way thinking you were either drunk or just having another episode. But damn was I wrong. I saw the text in your phone and knew my time with you was up. It's all good though I'm not upset at you or the things you decided to do. I was just upset at the fact that you couldn't be respectful enough to tell me about meeting someone new and letting me off easy. But instead, I had to watch you come in and out of the house knowing you were going behind my back and messing with some other guy. 

It's whatever at this point I always prepare myself for these sorts of situations and me going no contact with you should've been a clear sign to you that I knew what you were up to. It's just crazy how you kept reaching even when I was seeing other people trying to distract myself from you only to see you out and about eyeing me down. I couldn't help but try my best to ignore the feeling of you watching me but in the end, I couldn't help but think you'd go out of your way and harm those I was with so I stopped going out and meeting people only to realize you shouldn't be the one to make that decision for me. So I went back out and met some more new people only to forget about you when I got in contact with someone who I won't say but let's just say I'm no longer sure who or what you were to me but I know you will never match up to the person I'm with now. So good luck trying to get the best of me when I already won this round and you're stuck in a hole somewhere trying to find a way out.