Blog Post 373

I'm not Trying to Be a Bother to You or Anyone Else

I know it’s not my place to talk about our past and the battles we lost but there’s just a lot to process when it comes to you and me! I was young and dumb when it came to you and I thought my best was all it took to get things right but in reality, it was much more than that! I was only concerned for what was best for myself at the time and never for you and I take full responsibility for my actions that caused you pain without me even knowing it! I thought you were just being dramatic and looking for attention when in reality the pain you were feeling was completely valid I was just too dumb to take the time to understand it from your point of view! I was only looking for the next best thing when it came to us and the pain and suffering never seemed to cross my mind! I knew if I had acknowledged the bad then my mind would feel the sadness and pain that was happening and prevent me from doing my own thing! 

I wanted to take a step back and figure out what I could have done to make you feel better but every time I tried you just said don’t worry about it and pushed me to the side! So I said fuck it and let it be for what it was and moved on knowing deep down inside it was all wrong! I should’ve just gone out of my way and fixed the problems right then and there instead of asking you! I just felt like no matter what I did it would only upset you even more and I think that’s my problem in life and when it comes to meeting people! I tend to always feel like a bother or I’m annoying them and when I feel like that I just back off them completely and go about my life as if they don’t exist and I know that’s fucked up but I’d rather do that than to ever feel like I’m a bother to someone and feel like I’m unwanted! So I apologize but at the same time, I know it’s best for me! 

I have no desire to associate myself with people who think I’m being a bother! I’d rather hear it from you directly and no longer worry about reaching out to you / letting you do you without my presence being known or heard from! It’s just easier that way for me! I hate talking to someone knowing they're not interested in me or the things I’m saying and it just fucking sucks going out of my way being excited to talk to them only to come to the realization they don’t feel the same! So I just stand or sit there waiting to get a move and say goodbye! I have no use for the small talk knowing they’re just going to block me out of their life as soon as the lights go out! So I just chill and mind my business to myself and go about my day talking about meaningful and interesting topics with the same few people I enjoy being around! Nothing feels better to me than knowing I got to spend some time with my favorite people and catch up! 

There's just something about the way I got to know you and everything you're about that makes me fall for you and I know it's not what I wanted but at the same time the feelings I have for you feel amazing and they're not as painful as the ones I've had when others came into my life. So clearly these feelings are the best ones to have. I just wish I could tell you how I feel in person instead of shying away from everything I feel when it comes to you because I'm scared of ruining the friendship that we have. I know the love for you will be the strongest one out of all the love I've ever given or received and I don't think anyone could ever make me feel the same as you do. There's just about you that makes me feel alive. So please don't ever stop being you and rushing in to talk to me knowing I'm just a call or text away when it comes to seeing you.

I can't describe how or when I started to feel like this towards you but I know these feelings are just something that will fade into the background when it's pretty clear to me that the way I feel for you is real and I kind of want to let it be known but at the same time I'm not trying to make it too obvious and what not. I'm scared if I let you know then you'll get a big head and go off and think I'll let you treat me however now. When that's not the case. My feelings are seasonal so just chill and let me take my time. Because who knows you might get replaced with someone else by winter fall. I'm just saying I'm only in love with the thought of you and most people so once that thought dies down you're nothing more than just a thought that got forgotten. So do yourself a favor and settle down because if the feelings are;t mutual between you and me and the understanding of what we want isn't there then there's no need to continue on with the things I feel for you. so let's just take it slow and work out our differences with one another and go from there. We still have the rest of the year to figure out if us will even be worth it.