Blog Post 374
Left a Mark Just to Leave Me Feeling All Alone
I know this is going to make zero sense since I’ve only mentioned this person to my best friend, but hopefully, it all makes sense eventually because the way I feel about them is something I’ve only felt once in my life. Now that I see and feel the things I feel with this person, I think it’s best if I just let it out and not talk about it anymore!
I feel like I got too close to this person and it’s my fault for thinking we could be friends and acting as if I’m fine with just being friends but when I look at you I feel so many things knowing I can’t act on the things I feel because it would only make things worse for me and I’m not trying to feel that way right now! I just want to conclude that what we have right now will only be what it is right now and nothing more! So in the meantime, I’ll go ahead and cry and yell to my friend all I want about this and that but it’s not going to change the way I feel towards you! I can deny the feelings all day so I can focus on my work and life doings but at the end of the night, it’s you I dream of knowing there’s nothing I can do to make you mine!
It’s so weird having a crush on a person I know I have zero chances with knowing in another life they’d be the perfect match for me! But all I can do in this life is watch from a distance and just enjoy their company and wish them the best! I just wish life didn’t put people in my life where I had to keep them at arm's length so I wouldn’t end up hurting them! I know the pain I can cause can ruin someone’s whole perception of me and I’m not ready or willing to watch them hate me for my mistakes! I need them to be loved and cared for! But unfortunately, that’s not what I’m for from the looks of the ones I got close to!
I’m so scared of hurting this person that I had to go out of my way and make it my decision to keep them as a friend and nothing more knowing deep down inside I just wanna love them! But I guess loving them as a friend is better than nothing! I know my feelings will spiral if I try and pursue them more than what we are now and I just don’t wanna go through that with them! I see them way too often to be doing some shit with them! They’re the best thing I have right now in life that fucking it up with them would just ruin me right now!
I know you might not know this but you’re literally my favorite person right now and I usually don’t do favorites or care to play favorites! I just know the connection I have with you right now is worth holding onto and as much as my heart is telling me it will never be just the two of us just the thought of your existence makes me smile! Not a single soul or word could ever make me feel some other way towards you! I know you might push me out of the way some days but you always find a way back to me knowing I’m always waiting with open arms to give you the hug you’ve been needing!
It’s just when I look at you I know all the right things to say and do when it comes to you without feeling like I need to hold back! I love the feeling of just being myself with you! It’s hard to be myself around others knowing they have some sort of issue with me but you don’t seem to have a single issue with me and I love that! I just fear if I keep going down the path I’m on right now without letting you know why I do the things I do then you might see me in another light and I fear that when it happens you’ll hate me for everything I’ve done and said! I just don’t wanna risk losing you when I just got to know you!
I know the feelings I have for you will always come and go like seasons but the words I told and the tears I cried will only be memories of what was then! But in the meantime, I just wanna make some memories so I can have something to look back at knowing you’re the only one that was there for me when I was at my lowest and had to act as if everything was fine and well in front of everyone else! I appreciate your kindness and caring ways when it comes to me I just hope what I’m doing now matches up with yours! But if what I’m doing does then just let me know and I’ll go ahead and make adjustments to meet your standards! I just don’t wanna do something to have you hate me / see me as someone you need to cut ties with!
I just feel a lot of things when it comes to you but my only concern is my feelings won’t be validated on your end so I shy away and let them simmer down only to look your way and feel it all over again! I feel like there’s something there between us two but I can’t wrap my finger around it! It’s like we’re stuck in a he loves me, he loves me not game when it comes to us! I know I can never go and tell you how I feel because when the clothes come off where will that put us?! You know what I’m saying?! Like I don’t wanna just be another body for you when I know you could be something more to me down the line! So I just sit and stare at the beauty that you hold and go about my day as if it’s nothing when it’s something I wanna hold and call mine!
I don’t know I’m just really confused right now about it all! I know you’re way more sensitive to a lot of things so me going in and saying something that you don’t even care to see eye to eye on would only make me feel stupid! So that’s why I sit back and just watch when the only thing I want to do is love you! But I can only do that in my dreams because the way your body and mind attracts me in can only be found in a dream! So I’ll avoid the whole awkward silence and doings and just follow you around in my dreams and call!
I can easily talk to you at all hours of the day but soon after I say something I feel bad for bothering and I know it’s not your fault it’s just I’ve been told things about myself that I tend to now hold back on a lot of things especially when it comes to reaching out first and sending out more than a sentence over text! That’s why my text seem like I don’t care when I do I just don’t wanna over talk or over-share more than I need to! I wanna make it seem clear and straight to the point of what it is I’m saying so there’s no confusion!