Blog Post 376

Leave Me Alone

This has nothing to do with you it’s just something I’ve gotta work out on my own knowing there’s no looking back at it once it’s done! I just want this to be for me and me only but yet part of me can’t make it all towards me when you were involved in the feelings I was having! So I’m trying my best not to worry about these feelings I’m having right now so instead I worry about the thought of losing you knowing you’re the only one who gets me from the anti-social behavior to the laughing til I’m crying on the bathroom floor! It’s hard going through life-changing events when the feelings I’ve had for you since day one are slowly starting to fade into the void not knowing what’s next to come! I sit back and let you do you and let you reach out when you’re ready only to feel a sense of loneliness every time! You text me saying that you need me but I see you with that other guy and my is telling me that I’m no longer needed so I walk the other way and hope to never see you again!

I don’t know why but the feeling of being replaced by someone else never really sat well with me knowing I normally don’t care about it or linger on the feeling of it but seeing you with him just made me feel some sort of way! I was angry but I wasn’t feeling it! I just felt like that moment I saw you with another guy was meant to be seen so I could get over the feeling of feeling unloved when you just showed me why it was better for me to be single and only love myself in this life! I don’t mind the thought of it just being me in this life since I’ve always gotten everything to me whenever I asked or needed so you being gone now shouldn’t make much of a difference in my life! It was cool what you made me feel but now that you’re gone I can just focus on my doings and not feel like an outcast in my own world! When the world I created for myself is a much safer and freer place to be than yours!

I felt like you being in my world was draining every ounce of happiness and joy that I had to the point where I was becoming someone else and then you'd go and blame me for being the way that I was when it was your own doings. I felt lost on most days even on the days when we didn't even see or talk to one another. My life was slowly making me feel like it was being controlled and I had no say or will to do the things I once enjoyed because of you. I lost all sight of creativity knowing my true purpose in life is to just simply to create art and write about the things going on in my life and the things I feel. But somewhere down the line, I had no interest in doing that. There was a time where I had zero motivation to do any of the things I wanted or needed because you were in my way and going out of your way to stop me from expressing my feelings and the things I wanted to do. 

I felt trapped and stuck in a life that didn't suit my needs and I think that's what made my mental state be so fucked up that I ended up changing my whole persona and who I was at the time. I was being someone unrecognizable only to realize it was a cry for help but I didn't know it at the time because all I could think about at the time was getting away from you and your controlling ways. I felt like a lot of things were my fault and I blamed myself for all the things I damaged along the way that I never not once looked your way and put the blame on you because I knew blaming you wouldn't have done anything to change the outcome of my doings. So I just accepted the blame and went about my life trying to fix the things I damaged only to realize they couldn't be fixed and even if there was a way to fix it somehow it still wouldn't be as perfect as it once was. There's always going to be a mark or scar to show that something tragic happened and we can either learn from it and accept it or just act as if it's not there but also make sure it never happens again.

There were so many ways we could have gone about it all but you chose to break me leaving me to bleed out and let the wounds you caused to heal on their own knowing they would be the scars that remind me of who and what you really are. It's a shame you had to go out of your way to truly hurt someone just to have them see you in a different light when you could've just left them alone and not bothered them with the pain and trauma that you put them through. But no you went there and now you're trying to play the victim when I never even played that card I just accepted it and tried to move on from it on my own. I never went to anyone about the abuse and pain you caused because I simply didn't see the point of having someone else asking me why I didn't end up walking away sooner when it was love that made me stay.

I guess the love I gave to you wasn't good enough so you went out of your way to hurt me for not giving it my all when that's all I ever did when it came to you. But I guess you were just too blind to see that and now I'm gone and you're stuck trying to figure out how to get me back when I'm long gone from the relationship that was supposed to be. I'm done going back and forth with you and hearing your apologies. It's done and over with and I'm focusing on just being alone and bettering myself for me. I don't care to go through the things you put me through with someone else anytime soon. So I'll sit out on the sidelines and watch from there. I'm in no rush to put myself out there or meet someone just for the hell of it. If I meet someone new it's gotta be real and long lasting. Nothing out of the blue or fake love type shit. I just want something real and nothing less.