Blog Post 377
Trying to Forget About What's Her Name!
I understand you and I haven’t been on the best of terms when it comes to us being together but the drugs and pain haven’t changed anything about the things I feel or do when it comes to you! I still get sad every time I think of you and when I lock eyes with you I feel completely numb not knowing how to talk to you when you’re around! I still shy away from speaking to you knowing that’s all you want me to do but I just can’t help but think you still hate me for all the damage I’ve done! It’s understandable but I’m not ready to call you the one I let get away knowing that’s what it’s coming to! I wish I could stay and erase the pain but that’s highly unlikely right about now because we’ve already gone through the phases of back and forth knowing we can’t keep doing this!
It’s just crazy how much history we have. Looking back at what we had to have it be over, it just doesn’t sit right with me! I keep thinking there’s gotta be another way for this to work and we can make it out alive but I just keep on running into roadblocks with every move I make and I know it’s not your fault but the thought of you moving on like I never mattered and making it look easy is what gets to me! I understand I was gone for a reason trying to find something decent but I let you down in the process and I’ve never been more sorry than I am now! It’s crazy how time is supposed to heal all but my only issue is I don’t know how to feel the things I once felt when I was with you! I just need to know when the time of letting go comes will you leave or will you stay knowing I did all I could to make us work!
It’s so confusing at times trying to be with you knowing I’m a mistake and you keep me around as if I’m this perfect person when I’m hating myself on the inside! There were times when being next to you felt like I was out of place and I know that’s fucked up for me to say but I felt like something was missing but I couldn’t figure out what it was! I knew you were chill and loyal and what not but for me to be standing next to you feeling the things I felt wasn’t normal and I know I kept quiet about most of the things I felt but seeing you happy made me happy but at the end of the night I’d go for a late-night drive crying to myself because I wasn’t sure what it was I wanted in life! Seeing you having your shit all figured out while I’m out here struggling to even find the time to love you is so frustrating and childish in some ways! Like I know I’m grown and can figure shit out for myself but damn seeing you doing it all on your own and then bringing me in the mix makes me wonder why me out of all people! I don’t know there’s just something crazy special about you and I guess I’m just too caught up in my feelings to see things clearly!
I know I’ll probably end up fucking it up somewhere down the line but it is what it is and I just gotta deal with it! There’s no better person for me right now than yourself and I really appreciate you being by my side even when I’m off the grid or just completely done talking and socializing with those around me! I’m really thankful for you coming in and seeing me for me and all the pain I’ve had to deal with these past years just to keep pushing through and letting go of a lot of meaningful friendships just so I wouldn’t end up hurting them! There’s just so much I could thank you for but I’ll save that for another time! Right now I just wanna hold on to what I have right now and just accept it for what it is and continue moving forward! There’s nothing to look back on unless it’s the memories I made with you! But other than that I’ve got nothing to look back on! So I apologize if I don’t remember or recall doing certain things!