Blog Post 383
I Still Cry When It Comes to You
Not sure how to go about this one but when it comes to you just know I still remember everything that happened between the two of us starting from the day I walked into your classroom looking for you hoping you would give me a chance to be yours back in 2013 of May two weeks before your birthday to being someone you knew nothing about!!!
I understand my mistakes at the time made you hate me so much but yet we kept on pushing and pushing only to burn it all down to ash because the thought of us being together never made sense once summer ended! I was off traveling and you were focused on your studies and seasonal sports! I ended up turning off the lights and going ghost to protect myself from the feelings that were haunting me! I kept so many memories of us hidden in my room that one day I just became numb looking back on them so I threw them all away like how I did with the love I gave to you!
I was so unsure of myself and the thoughts I was having that seeing you only made me feel weaker that I had no option but to keep a distance from you! My friends would see you but you would never see me with them because I needed to heal the trauma and pain I was dealing with from the aftermath of us going back and forth and the fights that led me to sleep in the car waiting for your call to make sure you were safe and sound only to wake up with zero missed calls! I did all could to make sure you were fine with me next to you but something still felt off I know you had your assumptions of me being with another girl at the time but my only focus and concerns at the time were you and me and if the love we had was going to be worth the fight or not! Nothing else seemed to matter for those 2 years of us being on and off! I just needed you to understand that I loved you enough to let you go and let you figure it out for yourself knowing it was going to hurt like hell for me!
Just thinking back to how good we were together to see it all fade away knowing I could have prevented it all from crashing down if I had just taken the time to learn from my wrongs! Instead, we sat in my car going back and forth on the things that were happening between us two and the whole situation just seemed toxic from the jump! So I got out and went for a walk only to get back in the car with tears coming down my face knowing how this ended for us! So I sat there looking straight ahead and without a thought, I put the car in gear and dropped you off at your house and then proceeded to drive away no looking back!
I cried getting on the freeway thinking bout us and how everything was great until I had to meet new people having you assume I was going behind your back and seeing someone else! When I just needed someone to go to and talk to about the mistakes I made with you hoping I could learn from them but it was too late the damage was already done and you have your mind made up so I let you go about your thoughts about me and I kept quiet about it all til tonight! So basically 9 years and it’s finally making its way into the light! Kind of insane I kept my mind off you for this long knowing I went days to weeks where all you did was stay on my mind which was insane! But I guess I was so in love with you that you were all I knew at the time! But I’m no longer that same person thanks to you and a few other factors!
I sometimes wish you could see me for who I am now and we could restart from scratch but knowing how I feel about you right now there are still memories of us that I keep and having me see you would just trigger me into a frenzy and I’m not ready to be reminded of all that happened between the two of us again! I can only remember it every now and then and tonight was the night that it just hit me all at once it’s so frustrating having to remember it all from start to finish knowing it could have been a simple fix if we had just been a bit wiser and took our time! But we were young and trying to figure it all out on our own knowing the mistakes would eventually catch up to us! But it was worth it if you asked me if I could do it all again, but without the mistakes, I’d say yes! Because you were one in a million and I haven’t found/seen a girl like you since the day I chose to walk away from it all!