Blog Post 389

To Tell You the Truth

If I was to sit here and give it to you straight forward then I would say I did it because I had nothing better to do. You were an easy distraction and a gateway to hell and the poison that I needed to feel something. I could have gone to anything but I chose to go to you because the high you gave me was like no other. I wanted more and more to where the only thing I could feel was pain because I couldn't seem to get enough of you. I let myself be so drained and emotionally unstable that seeing you made me feel alive and I know it wasn't right but I was so lost at that time that you just made everything seem so right even though the things you were doing were bad for my health and mental state. 

I wanted to find a way out sooner but something about you had me going back and I couldn't stop myself even though the high I was experimenting with was like no other. It's honestly my fault for choosing something as toxic as you but when I met you, you were like a dream but turns out you were just an angel in disguise and I'm honestly okay with that because you showed me how people truly are. I guess the poison found its way to my heart and I couldn't seem to have escape it so I stuck around hoping it would die off but instead it just kept getting worse and worse to where I wanted nothing to do but die.

I felt no sense of remorse for the things I was doing simply because if it happened to me then why shouldn't it happen to you or others? The way my mind was fucked up and made me be something I wasn't tearing me to shreds and as much as laughed it off I was hurting but I never let it be known or seen. I just faded into the background and let it sink in and then forgot about the things I did. I had nowhere to go other than into the void losing myself to the point of no return. But then she came into my life and changed all that. 

She took the darkness that I had and turned it into something brighter. I haven't felt this way about someone in a long time so I'm stuck between keeping her around or dropping her so I don't end up hurting her. I can't decide. But I thought about just leaving things be but then again I like to be on my own and not have to talk or keep people updated on my doings. Even though she knows what it is I do and how I drive and now she tells me to be safe as if I have someone who actually cares about me lol. Like girl I promise you, I'm the type to be safe.

It's just I know I ruin everything that I touch so why would I let someone as innocent as her get close to me when all it's going to do is break her. I'm not trying to create another tragedy in my life. I wish things could just happen without others getting hurt when they get close to me. That's my whole issue right now. Because I can tell she wants to be more than friends but I know in the process she's going to hate me sooner or later and I just can't play the part of being nonchalant knowing it was all my fault.