Blog Post 391

A Guy Like Me Just Needs His Space!

I've come to terms with who I am and what I want to do with my life. I considered the whole dating thing with another girl but something about being in a relationship still makes me feel like I'm less than nothing. So I keep backing out and going back to my own doings without the need to keep tabs with someone and have to feel like I'm a waste of time or that the things I'm talking about / explaining mean nothing. I just enjoy the single life way too much, it seems like. I can just wake up, and not worry about a missed call or text knowing I'm not the type to be on my phone anyways. I am too focused on other things, such as work and photography, to think about someone else's needs over mine. I make time for certain friends of mine but even that feels like a job on its own, and honestly, the job I have is stressful enough, I'm not trying to be stressed after work as well. 

I've become way too independent on my own and asking for help from others honestly just triggers my anxiety because ... yeah just no. I'd rather just do everything on my own or simply put just have it be what it is and move on with my life. Not trying to fix past mistakes when the mistakes I made helped me be who I am today and made me realize the things I want and don't want. Got my ex still hitting me up randomly every few months, even though I told them I don't care what you do, just don't reach out to me because I'm going to go off and block your so-called new number every time. Ugh go get a fucking life and stop reaching out. Go fuck more guys and leave me alone. It's sad how many times you've reached out just to get yelled at time after time. You'd think the first 2 times were enough but damn 5 times in the past three months is crazy!

I feel like I'm good where I'm at right now. Like yeah, I kind of went on a shopping spree for a lot of things that would be needed for next year but oh well. Might as well go and grab my shit now while I can because come Saturday my ass is at work 6 days straight from then on and I don't know when my next "CRASHOUT BREAK" will be! So yeah I basically milked the fuck out my trust fund and said fuck it. I can make my money back by the end of the month, so it's not that big a deal, but I think I've realized I enjoy being at work way too much because I'm not out here spending money as if I have no brain cells. Lol!! But nah, in all honesty I haven't had a break since October of last year and I literally have no regrets for what I did these past few days.

I'm well relaxed and not as tired. But once I start working again that's all going to change so yay me!!! I don't know how to tell them hey I don't want to work because I feel like that just looks bad and I don't really have a good excuse to get out of work so I just keep going and pushing through even though my mental health is legit crashing causing me to have crash outs. Which is fine because that just tells them I've had enough and need a break. So I guess they have a way of knowing but it's not a healthy one. Oh well. Life and work must go on. I just feel bad for the people I work with because when I'm not at work they have to make adjustments and I just feel like shit when that happens and I know shouldn't but I can't help it.

They have these high ass expectations for me and I can't keep up with them. It's so stressful knowing I have to meet a goal of 100 stops by 12 or sooner or they're going to come ask if I need help when I don't care to be helped or ask for it. I just wanna do my stops and go home. Fuck all that talking. Just stay out of my way. But nah they're always in my way and it's like damn can I do my own work for once or do you wanna just do it for me. Yeah, I know, it's so weird to me how they call me but wanna take over and claim they're helping. You're not helping you're preventing me from getting my shit done. Like ugh just go somewhere. 

If I wanted to be helped, then I would have asked for it, but since I didn't, why are you bothering me about something I can do well off on my own? Make it make sense for real. This is why I be crashing out because who the fuck even are you trying to help me for? Go do your own job and leave me alone. I don't know, maybe I'm just done feeling like I need to be helped all together when I know there's really nothing they can help me with other than just staying out of my way!