Blog Post 393

I Figured It Out

I know we had our differences and somehow you keep reaching out as if I have something left to give to you when I'm all out of feelings and fucks to give towards you. I know how fucked that sounds but it's the truth. I had you for some time only to lose sight of you and kept losing feelings in the process of it all and now all of a sudden you're reaching out and asking for forgiveness after watching me bleed and beg for you to stay?! I was literally hanging on by a thread for a relationship that was already dead and yet you chose to cut it off watching me fall to the depths of hell as I kept asking myself where it all went wrong.

I guess the love you were giving was more than I had hoped for. Somehow I managed to get past all the pain and hurt you caused because part of me was scared of losing you at the time. But, now that everything has officially died down. I moved on from you and started focusing on other things and people to the point where I started to realize a lot of shit that included me being with you only brought out the worst in me and I think that's why I hated myself for the things I was doing and blaming it all on me because you acted as if what you did was fine and it really wasn't. You never took accountability for your doings and only ever redirected your wrongs my way after I simply asked you about it. You acted as if it was me who was doing it when all the evidence was right there in your phone.

You made me feel so many things that I couldn't even explain the things I was feeling. It was a lot of back and forth and a lot of miscommunication that I just started distancing myself from it all and started dissociating from the thought of you and the trust I thought we had. I thought the pain would never end but after the cleanse of removing you completely from my life, I felt a sense of relief and found myself again. You were never really my person or the one I needed. You were just a fill in and I think that's why I was having such a hard time figuring you out because there was never a true connection between the two of us. 

You were caught up on your ex and I was just getting past my trauma that you made me forget all about it, and I think that's why I never showed my true self when it came to you because the real me would never date a person like you. I lowered my standards just so I could find you tolerable and it turned out to be the worst decision I ever made because I still haven't found someone to be worthy of my time or energy due to the shit you put me through and I'm done having people bring out the worst in me. So til'  then, I'm staying single and just doing me regardless if people have some sort of motive towards me or not. People just stress me out as is and it's annoying trying to find someone who doesn't stress me out on the daily.