Mak

Paying The Price I'm really not sure where this is going / what the whole vibe of the story is going to be. Let's just say it's gonna be everything that I've been currently thinking about and feeling for the past few months. Not sure why I think about you some days and other days I don't even remember who you are. It's fucking me up and I'm not sure what to do every time I think of you. I feel like I should reach out to you and ask how's it going but then again I feel like you won't even know who I am and simply block me because it's been so long since I've talked to you face to face. So I stay off social media whenever I think of you. I have my reasons and it mostly deals with me not making the same mistake twice. It's not that I don't want you to know that I'm thinking about you it's just that I know you hate me for doing the things I did in the past and I'm not trying to have my past affect my present life. So that...

Made a Stupid Mistake All this time I've been alone thinking about a lot of things but not once have I not thought about you. I've been thinking about other things that I shouldn't be thinking about and things I could never see myself doing such as dating another person when all I really want is to be with you and only you. I understand we've had our fair shares and rough times but I'm not about to give all that up over two little fights and one big one. I just think we need to be more open about the situations we're going through and be more open-minded about certain situations in our lives. I understand that there have been times where things have gotten seriously out of hand but I stuck with you til the very end and if that's not good enough for you then I guess I really should just stop applying myself and stop acknowledging your feelings. Maybe then you'd understand how much I cared for you and how much you appreciated every little thing I ...

Going Through Some Shit I've been going through a lot of crap that’s personal so I don’t tell anyone. People stay asking what’s wrong and I play it off and just say “not sh** why what’s up” and move on. But when I am posting/tweeting about things that seem off it’s already been dealt with. I just don’t know how to tell people what I’m going through at the moment. I may seem like I’m everything people claim I am but in reality, I don’t really be trying to live. I just go with shit. I tend to have depression every week. I have problems controlling my feelings towards people. I tend to lose control with my anger and I tend to stay away from feelings (love). Not really trying to have people around me giving me b.s so that’s why I basically push people who try to give me some kind of b.s away from me. I suck at making friends considering I have a hard time trusting people. I feel like people just wanna waste my time and use me in a way just for themselves. I like being left alone and s...

Honestly IDK A lot of people keep asking me who I'm thinking about and what's she like or if I just don't care about anyone?  To be honest I don't know. I think about a lot of things all day long and some days I don't do anything but sleep. So who knows. But I can name a few things that I think about so hopefully it makes it easier for you guys to understand my attitude and behavior on certain things. 1. A girl with initials: C.T 2. Why people have to be in my business 3. Why I need an IG Account 4. Why bother with snap 5. Who to trust 6. Did I pay my bills 7. Why can't they just call an uber 8. Do I need to care 9. Can they just die 10. How to commit suicide But yeah those are my thoughts on a daily basis. Also for those who are wondering why I have those thoughts, I basically go through a lot of shit that's irrelevant and it makes me go into a depression. Plus random thoughts such as those come popping into my head as if ...

In My Feelings Not sure where this is going to be going but just know I'm going through something I don't wanna go through. We fight and argue night and day. But yet we love each other at the end? Now that's the shit I'm not quite comprehending. I understand we both get lonely here and there so we run back to one another. But I don't wanna keep having to run back and forth to someone who's just going to use me on and off. I'd rather just tell you what's really going on and be upfront with you but then again I'd hate the thought of losing you. I understand it gets crazy and draining to be in love with someone you don't want to lose. Believe me, I've been there. But shit we have to make an effort and at least try to work these fucking issues out with one another and stop acting as if they don't exist. We goto party's with our friends who claim we're together when we're not even on speaking terms. So please tell me how tha...

???   So I visited my old middle school today and talked to one of the counselors I would always talk to about personal things I'm dealing with and she brought up a person I have a hard time acknowledging/talking about. So this is for her. I'm not sure what this is at the moment but I know for a fact that all my feelings towards her is how this post came to be. Call it strange/weird or whatever the fuck but it's true. Without my feelings for her, this post would have never been published. I'm not trying to hurt you like I did before. That's why I haven't talked to you in almost 6 years and I know me not reaching out to was probably killing you but I remember you telling me to stop reaching out to you so that's what I did. I never meant to get on your bad side. I only wanted the best for you and us in general. But I now see that was never going to be the case and for that, I'm truly sorry. I know I kept trying but I guess my efforts just weren...

I'm Back Sorry I've been gone for a long time but I've just had to gather all my thoughts and figure out what it is that I needed to talk about and address/set somethings straight. So let's go ahead and get right into it. But please note all of this is strictly personal and from my point of view on things. So without further ado let's get into it. For starters, there are only two people living in the house. Mom and me + 2 dogs but they're not human so we aren't going to include them in this. Anyways we do our own thing at our own time. We see and talk to each other but we don't ever ask about one another. We kinda just focus on ourselves only and not pay too much attention to one another. Mom works and I do whatever it is that doesn't involve me getting arrested and put in jail. I tend to just stay to myself and not talk to people unless it's through snap or text. But other than that I don't talk to people outside of my group. I'...

I Guess I'll Never Be Good Enough So I've been doing a lot of thinking and that's something I usually stand clear of doing. But for some reason, the only things that keep coming into my mind are my actions from my past and a girl from my past as well. I keep thinking to myself that maybe there's a way for us to just come to a realization and make things right but every time that happens my depression hits and anxiety triples.  So I don't know what to do besides: 1. Move back to my place of birth which is overseas 2. See a therapist which I'm highly against doing 3. Killing myself so I can stop having to remember my past & her in general I guess I'm just tired of people telling me that I'll never be this or that. Cause right now I don't even know what I want. So me having to hear others talk shit to me and talk me down on shit that I think I'm good at and know I can do isn't helping my case. It honestly makes it even h...

Living For Me Only Do you ever feel like you're living for someone else? Cause I sure as hell do and it's annoying as fuck. Being told what to wear, how to act & what to do is just not me. I'm sorry but this whole fucking shit you got me doing isn't going to work for me and I don't even know what made you think that this was a top of the line plan. Considering the fact that I don't live for others nor do I care for others enough to actually live on in there memory. I'd rather just continue doing me and if I get hate for not following in someone else's footsteps then so fucking be it. These past few years I've been constantly been told how to do things and all this other shit and I'm tired of it. I don't want to follow in someone else's footsteps considering the fact I don't even have any of my own footsteps to follow. So how can I take on someone else's? People must have me confused with someone else because I keep look...

Painful Memory Let's just say I remember my past finally and for someone who hasn't remembered anything about there past for 20 Years, 5 Months and 28 Days sure has a lot to say. So sit tight and relax cause this shit is about to be long as fuck. Why would you purposely take a young innocent child's happiness and childhood away from them and act as if it was no big deal? Do you know how sick you have to be to do that sort of thing? All this time I've been thinking it's just who I am and how my life is supposed to be a how I'm supposed to be living it. But in reality, it's not. So you got inside my head somehow and have been in it fucking shit up while everyone keeps judging me for the things I'm doing which apparently I thought were right but in reality, they aren't. Looking back at those videos made me keep asking myself as to what went wrong? What happened to me to go from being a happy and likable kid to a mean and aggressive person?...

Take It As It Is People ask me on the daily what it is that I want in life and I always ignore them because how can I know what I want in life when life changes and things tend to fade away. But when it comes to me knowing what I don't want in life it's a fucking list. I guess I just don't care to see life as a WANTING situation. I see life as a UNWANTING situation and it's kind of been that way since 7th grade. People only want to take take take and never think about what would happen next. But for someone like me who's been through some rough experiences with life and pain, I don't care to want anything out of life. I just keep living life without a fuck to give and it's very clear that I don't care to make temporary friends. So I mean life for me is basic I guess and simple in a way.  People want to tell me to do this and that but never explain to me what it is that I'm actually doing. So I give them a fucking attitude and walk away. I can't t...