Mak

Was it all a Test Being with somebody else just doesn't seem right to me when I still have you on my mind. I thought by me moving on and doing things with somebody else it would help erase you off my mind but it's just making it harder for me. I keep having flashbacks of us and I don't know why. I guess it's because me being with somebody else was just my way of trying to erase you from my life when it's just making me want you back even more. I don't know if I'm just stupid or really fucked up. I don't hate the thought of you I just hate the thought of me knowing I can never go back to you and it hurts. But I just have to learn to move on and not look back even though it's the hardest thing for me to do right now. But it shouldn't be considering this was what I thought was best for me so why does it feel like part of me is dying when all I'm trying to do it just move on from everything we once had. Maybe me being with you was just a...

Thank You For The Pain I just want to thank you for the pain you made me feel. If it wasn't for you and the things you made me feel then it wouldn't have been real to me. I wouldn't be here blogging about everything that I was feeling/going through after you ended up pushing me away and having me walk away from it all. It kills me knowing that the pain I felt was real and I wish it wasn't but it was and it still is but it's okay because I learned to deal with it and learned how to move on from what went down knowing it was over between us two for good. I hated the thought of us being over and not ever seeing one another but now that I'm thinking about it I think it was best for the both of us. Even though you thought otherwise which you did considering you said we could still be friends and I just wasn't having that and I'm glad I chose not to be friends with you anymore. I just feel like If I didn't end things the night that I did I wouldn...

I Should Just Be Alone I really don't have anything left to say or have anything to think about considering I used all my feelings and thoughts on you and now that you're out of my life I'm back to feeling empty and alone. I don't know what it is I'm supposed to do other than sleep and drink my life away. It's a constant battle with me right now and people around me are trying to help me get through this but I'm becoming more aggressive by the day and I no longer bother doing anything with my life anymore. I feel so sad and I'm never sad. I'm usually annoyed or pleased with certain things in my life. But I guess this is what sadness feels like. Never thought I even had this feeling in me considering I've never been sad about that many things before in my life and never to the point where I feel like crying.  Why am I and my life such a mess right now? I really don't understand any of the things I'm doing or saying it feels like. ...

Still Alive Some How Fuck why am I such a dick sometimes? All I want to do is talk to you and be with you but I went and fucked all that shit up and for what? I'm so confused with everything that's happened and I can't seem to get over it or you. All I want to do is just talk with you like how I used to be able to but I don't want to make it seem like a joke to you when I say I fucked up and I should've never had my phone to begin with. I really just want to make sure you know I mean every word I say but knowing you you'll never know or understand how much this is hurting me even though I can't stop talking/blogging about it. Why does everything I feel at ease when I write it down? I really wish we could talk to one another right now. I just don't feel at ease with myself anymore and knowing me I need to be if I want to continue living my life but how can I continue with my life if I know I fucked up someone else's life up and can't do a...

Rather Not Feel Anything So I guess this is what people mean when they say "You Never Know How Good You Have It Until It's Gone". I finally see what they mean by it. I guess I'm just so used to people coming and going that I never checked to realize that. But with you I did and I noticed everything that was good about you and me and that's never been the case with anyone. Usually, it's just a come and go as you please with other people for me. But with it was way more than that and I'm not understanding why that is. I can't tell if it was really because I fell in love with you way too hard and didn't know how to handle it so I was doing everything I could to keep you/have you in my life or if I was just ignoring every sign that was being thrown at my head that I got blinded by my own wrongdoings and never noticed how it could turn out for the worst. I just really don't understand any of the things that I'm doing or the pain that I...

I Just Hate You You made it hard for me to be in a healthy relationship and for that I will never forgive you but I will forget about you. You always told me I would find somebody else but I didn't expect this is what you meant/had in mind when you said it. Why did you have to treat me like shit for the past 5 years if you knew I'd always end up being the bad guy in every scenario? You make me not want to enjoy life and not be there for those I really care about/love. You made it extremely difficult for me to trust those around me meaning you basically fucked my life in every aspect when it comes to relationships/dating someone/being close with someone and I'm just trying to figure out why the fuck you did it. I'm so sorry you were the one I fell in love with when we were in the 8th grade. I didn't expect any of the things that had happened between us two to actually happen. So please stop reaching out to me trying to get closure from me because if it's...

Need You This shit just doesn't feel the same without you. I feel like we go back and forth with everything we say but I can't help but tell you everything I feel even though it gets too much to handle in a way. I get upset when I can't be myself with you even though you make it easy for me to open up to you. So I don't know if it's just me in general or just the fact that I love you too damn much that I'm not sure what to do when it comes to being with someone I love. I've always kept my distance from love and relationships because it always tends to go to shit and makes me question every move I ever made. But with you, it's a whole different story.  Something about you feels relaxing and chill in a way. It's like everything you say and do I can't get mad at considering you never make me upset which is new to me. I've always had problems dealing with people's bullshit on a daily but with you, there isn't any and I like that....

You Got Me Fucked Up You got me fucked up thinking I'm cheating in a relationship. I don't cheat because that's something only ungrateful ass motherfuckers be doing. I tend to keep private with my relationships and ignore people out in public knowing damn well I'm seeing someone. So that's why I don't be talking to people. Also, why would I cheat when this person makes me happy? Like you really gotta stop playing yourself. If you're happy with someone then you'll do everything you can to make sure you don't fuck it up. Prime example ME!! Why do you think I'm not talking to any of you? Look at you looking mad stupid for trying to flirt with someone who already has somebody to give his attention to. But in all honesty, I don't cheat. I have been cheated on a few times so I know what it's like and what it can do to a person afterward so I don't even think about doing it. It makes people not want to get close to someone, makes th...

I Don't Want To Forget About You I never thought I'd be in this position where I would care so much about another person. But you showed me that I could and for that I thank you. Without you coming into my life I would have never been able to feel the things that I do now. I hope you can understand that you're the reason I'm back to being able to love again and laugh at all the little things you do instead of getting annoyed with it. I really appreciate you making time for me and making me smile even though you know I hate smiling. I don't think anyone else can do that but you and that's really amazing to me. I've always hidden my feelings for others but with you, it's so easy for me to tell you how I feel about you and not have me feel stupid afterwards. I want to remember us just being us. Not something that we were pretending to be. I know my feelings for you are real so it wasn't that hard to fall in love with you. I know you're neve...

Tired of Feeling This Way I don't want to feel this way anymore. I don't want to be near you anymore. I thought I could handle this pain but it's just too much to handle. I don't understand why you made me fall in love with you but I'm done with that now. I want to be alone and never see you again. I have to stop getting attached to others because it's clear to me that I can't handle this pain. I really thought I could handle it but I just can't. I'm losing myself in the process of loving and holding onto you. I need to find a way for me to forget about the fact that you were ever part of my life. I really wish I could be with someone but if this is the way I'm going to be feeling every time I fall in love then I don't want to feel love/know about love. Love to me is clearly a disease and I don't want any part of it. I had so many feelings going through my body all at once I thought I was going to pass out and I don't wan...

Feelings For You I really wish I could tell you that I love you and I mean it but you don't want to hear it and that's what's hurting me the most. I wish there was another way to show it but we hardly ever see one another and I'm not about to force this upon you but I just really wished you knew. I know I haven't felt anything like this in years and it's hard to understand what's happening with me. I try to ignore all the feelings and thoughts about you but it just makes it worse. I really wish there was a way out of these feelings but I can't seem to find a way out. If I knew that this was going to be the outcome I would have never agreed to do the things we did. I don't know if I'm just bad at love or if I'm just really unaware of how to contain these feelings without making it seem like I don't love you. I'm always afraid of things going south with people who love me and that's the one thing that I hate the most. It makes ...