Mak

Life is a Lie Thought I'd be done with all of this back and forth but it turns out I'll never be over you or it and it's got me thinking that maybe it would just be best if I ended it all. I keep having thoughts about it just being a masquerade and in disguise but in reality, it's just me not wanting to face reality when I know reality isn't what I'm meant for. I only see what I want to see and forget about things that I can't understand or things that I just can't help.  So maybe this decision that I chose for myself is how it's gotta be from now on. I can't keep hurting those I care most about anymore because it puts me in the worst place possible and I'm tired of being in that place. I feel like every move I make is being criticized and talked about in the worst way possible when I'm just doing the best I can. It just kills me knowing those closest to me and share the most memories with would treat it as a joke and tell me to ...

I Don't Want to Fall in Love... Look before you get the wrong idea about this post let me just say I'm not in that state of mind to fall in love with you right now. I just think someone like you should deserve better and I can't give you that right now. So I've decided to take a few steps back to better myself and get my mental health under control before I end up being something that you hate and before you say this is some excuse to not be with you it's not. I just don't want you to think you're wasting your time on me or I'm wasting my time with you because me talking to you makes me really happy and when I'm not talking to you it's almost like hell in a way.  I don't know. Maybe this thing we have is how it's supposed to go but why does it feel so great one moment and confusing the next? Am I doing something wrong or am I just overthinking every outcome when it comes to the decisions I make with you? I feel like me making a mista...

Running Feels like I lost myself in all of this. It's like I'm running to get to someone who I will never catch up to but can see in the distance. It doesn't make any sense why I can see you but I can never reach you. You're the one I want but can't seem to get to and I keep asking myself why that is and I just get blank responses. I feel like it's deja vu and I'm getting sick and tired of being on repeat and not being able to get anywhere. I just want to catch up to you and just talk but you keep running and I can't seem to catch a break with you. It's got me drained but I can't stop now when you're in my sight of vision. I just wish we had a place to go to but instead it's like we're lost and just going in circles like a prison play yard. You keep running from your past thinking things will get better but in reality, things just keep getting worse because you're not acknowledging those problems and it's just a never...

Where Do I Belong This may sound like a suicide note but it's really not. It's just me thinking about everything that's happened to me this past month. It's weird that I still think about people that I haven't talked to in years and want to make contact with them but I'm holding back on doing it because I'm afraid of my actions from my past are going to be brought back up even though that's not me anymore. So I just ignore them and a move on without really paying attention to them even though I want to. I just feel like it's easier that way even though it's killing me inside. I guess I'm just not the type to reconnect or put myself back into other's lives knowing they might want me in there life. I hate that awkward moment of not knowing if they really care about me and want me back or if they want me back just to break me down for revenge. I guess I've just been through so much hell and back with people that I just no longer...

Was it all a Test Being with somebody else just doesn't seem right to me when I still have you on my mind. I thought by me moving on and doing things with somebody else it would help erase you off my mind but it's just making it harder for me. I keep having flashbacks of us and I don't know why. I guess it's because me being with somebody else was just my way of trying to erase you from my life when it's just making me want you back even more. I don't know if I'm just stupid or really fucked up. I don't hate the thought of you I just hate the thought of me knowing I can never go back to you and it hurts. But I just have to learn to move on and not look back even though it's the hardest thing for me to do right now. But it shouldn't be considering this was what I thought was best for me so why does it feel like part of me is dying when all I'm trying to do it just move on from everything we once had. Maybe me being with you was just a...

Thank You For The Pain I just want to thank you for the pain you made me feel. If it wasn't for you and the things you made me feel then it wouldn't have been real to me. I wouldn't be here blogging about everything that I was feeling/going through after you ended up pushing me away and having me walk away from it all. It kills me knowing that the pain I felt was real and I wish it wasn't but it was and it still is but it's okay because I learned to deal with it and learned how to move on from what went down knowing it was over between us two for good. I hated the thought of us being over and not ever seeing one another but now that I'm thinking about it I think it was best for the both of us. Even though you thought otherwise which you did considering you said we could still be friends and I just wasn't having that and I'm glad I chose not to be friends with you anymore. I just feel like If I didn't end things the night that I did I wouldn...

I Should Just Be Alone I really don't have anything left to say or have anything to think about considering I used all my feelings and thoughts on you and now that you're out of my life I'm back to feeling empty and alone. I don't know what it is I'm supposed to do other than sleep and drink my life away. It's a constant battle with me right now and people around me are trying to help me get through this but I'm becoming more aggressive by the day and I no longer bother doing anything with my life anymore. I feel so sad and I'm never sad. I'm usually annoyed or pleased with certain things in my life. But I guess this is what sadness feels like. Never thought I even had this feeling in me considering I've never been sad about that many things before in my life and never to the point where I feel like crying.  Why am I and my life such a mess right now? I really don't understand any of the things I'm doing or saying it feels like. ...

Still Alive Some How Fuck why am I such a dick sometimes? All I want to do is talk to you and be with you but I went and fucked all that shit up and for what? I'm so confused with everything that's happened and I can't seem to get over it or you. All I want to do is just talk with you like how I used to be able to but I don't want to make it seem like a joke to you when I say I fucked up and I should've never had my phone to begin with. I really just want to make sure you know I mean every word I say but knowing you you'll never know or understand how much this is hurting me even though I can't stop talking/blogging about it. Why does everything I feel at ease when I write it down? I really wish we could talk to one another right now. I just don't feel at ease with myself anymore and knowing me I need to be if I want to continue living my life but how can I continue with my life if I know I fucked up someone else's life up and can't do a...

Rather Not Feel Anything So I guess this is what people mean when they say "You Never Know How Good You Have It Until It's Gone". I finally see what they mean by it. I guess I'm just so used to people coming and going that I never checked to realize that. But with you I did and I noticed everything that was good about you and me and that's never been the case with anyone. Usually, it's just a come and go as you please with other people for me. But with it was way more than that and I'm not understanding why that is. I can't tell if it was really because I fell in love with you way too hard and didn't know how to handle it so I was doing everything I could to keep you/have you in my life or if I was just ignoring every sign that was being thrown at my head that I got blinded by my own wrongdoings and never noticed how it could turn out for the worst. I just really don't understand any of the things that I'm doing or the pain that I...

I Just Hate You You made it hard for me to be in a healthy relationship and for that I will never forgive you but I will forget about you. You always told me I would find somebody else but I didn't expect this is what you meant/had in mind when you said it. Why did you have to treat me like shit for the past 5 years if you knew I'd always end up being the bad guy in every scenario? You make me not want to enjoy life and not be there for those I really care about/love. You made it extremely difficult for me to trust those around me meaning you basically fucked my life in every aspect when it comes to relationships/dating someone/being close with someone and I'm just trying to figure out why the fuck you did it. I'm so sorry you were the one I fell in love with when we were in the 8th grade. I didn't expect any of the things that had happened between us two to actually happen. So please stop reaching out to me trying to get closure from me because if it's...

Need You This shit just doesn't feel the same without you. I feel like we go back and forth with everything we say but I can't help but tell you everything I feel even though it gets too much to handle in a way. I get upset when I can't be myself with you even though you make it easy for me to open up to you. So I don't know if it's just me in general or just the fact that I love you too damn much that I'm not sure what to do when it comes to being with someone I love. I've always kept my distance from love and relationships because it always tends to go to shit and makes me question every move I ever made. But with you, it's a whole different story.  Something about you feels relaxing and chill in a way. It's like everything you say and do I can't get mad at considering you never make me upset which is new to me. I've always had problems dealing with people's bullshit on a daily but with you, there isn't any and I like that....