Mak

Fuck the System This post is about to be offensive to anyone that's a racist or doesn't approve of BLACK LIVES MATTER & think COP/PIGS can get AWAY WITH MURDER. So with that being said, I suggest you get off my site. I'm going to go ahead and start with the people that think killing / murdering an innocent black man over a forged check is okay and don't care to see any kind of problem with that. Because it kind of makes me wonder if you have a mental illness or if you just don't care about people unless they're matching with your "COLOR" of race.  You dumb fucking pieces of shit are "SUPPOSED" to make communities we live in "SAFE" but instead you make it feel like we're your prisoners. Can you see and comprehend the problem that I have with this shit or are you so one-sided you only choose to see and hear what you want on your own time? If that's the case let me know so I can get the fuck out of your way so I do...

I Quit For those trying to find my social media accounts don't bother. I deleted all things relating to social media and I also deleted a lot of unnecessary contacts off my phone and only receiving calls from contacts only. I've made the decision to just go and be a ghost online meaning if you Google me there will be zero results of me. I'm tired of always having people telling me what I can and can't post on social media and just other things that are just toxic to me that I can't deal with. I'm removing myself from everyone that I once knew and had some sort of connection with other than family members. I will no longer be answering any calls from people from my past or anyone that's basically not a family member of mine or co-worker. I just really need to distance myself from people and focus on myself and making money right now. I'm getting bored of these games that people keep trying to invite me into and thinking it's going to matter to m...

Why Now? How come I waited so long to finally look deeper into my real parents and my past life to find out that they had people in their lives who were involved with terrorism acts? Now I'm not necessarily saying my birth parents were involved or in on the terror attacks that were happening I'm just saying I think there are clues that people around them and who they were associated with were involved in terror activities. So I guess them putting me in the orphanage was their way of making sure I didn't get involved or have any kind sight of it. Even though sooner or later they'd somehow find out that I'd find out the truth about them and the reason's behind me being put into an orphanage. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel exactly right now considering things like this aren't something you should go about by yourself but knowing me and wanting more info on my birth parents and everything that there was so I could understand myself more w...

Never got the Chance Going off the top here so I apologize if I say something rude or offensive. I've been so fucked up lately thinking about you and I know you don't have any reasons to talk to me but I think I have a lot to say to you even though you think I don't. I understand you see me as someone who keeps everything to himself and doesn't tell anyone his problems but to a select group of people and for that I'm sorry. I wish you could see that isn't how I want it to be. I wish I could just come to you whenever I wanted or whenever you needed and let me explain to you what it is I think or feel and just be honest with you like I've always been. But a lot has changed and it's primarily my fault so I don't expect you to feel any type of shame or guilt because you shouldn't. I feel like so much has happened between us two that I needed to go through a phase where I became a ghost to you and let you move on knowing I'd come back to yo...

Life is a Lie Thought I'd be done with all of this back and forth but it turns out I'll never be over you or it and it's got me thinking that maybe it would just be best if I ended it all. I keep having thoughts about it just being a masquerade and in disguise but in reality, it's just me not wanting to face reality when I know reality isn't what I'm meant for. I only see what I want to see and forget about things that I can't understand or things that I just can't help.  So maybe this decision that I chose for myself is how it's gotta be from now on. I can't keep hurting those I care most about anymore because it puts me in the worst place possible and I'm tired of being in that place. I feel like every move I make is being criticized and talked about in the worst way possible when I'm just doing the best I can. It just kills me knowing those closest to me and share the most memories with would treat it as a joke and tell me to ...

I Don't Want to Fall in Love... Look before you get the wrong idea about this post let me just say I'm not in that state of mind to fall in love with you right now. I just think someone like you should deserve better and I can't give you that right now. So I've decided to take a few steps back to better myself and get my mental health under control before I end up being something that you hate and before you say this is some excuse to not be with you it's not. I just don't want you to think you're wasting your time on me or I'm wasting my time with you because me talking to you makes me really happy and when I'm not talking to you it's almost like hell in a way.  I don't know. Maybe this thing we have is how it's supposed to go but why does it feel so great one moment and confusing the next? Am I doing something wrong or am I just overthinking every outcome when it comes to the decisions I make with you? I feel like me making a mista...

Running Feels like I lost myself in all of this. It's like I'm running to get to someone who I will never catch up to but can see in the distance. It doesn't make any sense why I can see you but I can never reach you. You're the one I want but can't seem to get to and I keep asking myself why that is and I just get blank responses. I feel like it's deja vu and I'm getting sick and tired of being on repeat and not being able to get anywhere. I just want to catch up to you and just talk but you keep running and I can't seem to catch a break with you. It's got me drained but I can't stop now when you're in my sight of vision. I just wish we had a place to go to but instead it's like we're lost and just going in circles like a prison play yard. You keep running from your past thinking things will get better but in reality, things just keep getting worse because you're not acknowledging those problems and it's just a never...

Where Do I Belong This may sound like a suicide note but it's really not. It's just me thinking about everything that's happened to me this past month. It's weird that I still think about people that I haven't talked to in years and want to make contact with them but I'm holding back on doing it because I'm afraid of my actions from my past are going to be brought back up even though that's not me anymore. So I just ignore them and a move on without really paying attention to them even though I want to. I just feel like it's easier that way even though it's killing me inside. I guess I'm just not the type to reconnect or put myself back into other's lives knowing they might want me in there life. I hate that awkward moment of not knowing if they really care about me and want me back or if they want me back just to break me down for revenge. I guess I've just been through so much hell and back with people that I just no longer...

Was it all a Test Being with somebody else just doesn't seem right to me when I still have you on my mind. I thought by me moving on and doing things with somebody else it would help erase you off my mind but it's just making it harder for me. I keep having flashbacks of us and I don't know why. I guess it's because me being with somebody else was just my way of trying to erase you from my life when it's just making me want you back even more. I don't know if I'm just stupid or really fucked up. I don't hate the thought of you I just hate the thought of me knowing I can never go back to you and it hurts. But I just have to learn to move on and not look back even though it's the hardest thing for me to do right now. But it shouldn't be considering this was what I thought was best for me so why does it feel like part of me is dying when all I'm trying to do it just move on from everything we once had. Maybe me being with you was just a...

Thank You For The Pain I just want to thank you for the pain you made me feel. If it wasn't for you and the things you made me feel then it wouldn't have been real to me. I wouldn't be here blogging about everything that I was feeling/going through after you ended up pushing me away and having me walk away from it all. It kills me knowing that the pain I felt was real and I wish it wasn't but it was and it still is but it's okay because I learned to deal with it and learned how to move on from what went down knowing it was over between us two for good. I hated the thought of us being over and not ever seeing one another but now that I'm thinking about it I think it was best for the both of us. Even though you thought otherwise which you did considering you said we could still be friends and I just wasn't having that and I'm glad I chose not to be friends with you anymore. I just feel like If I didn't end things the night that I did I wouldn...

I Should Just Be Alone I really don't have anything left to say or have anything to think about considering I used all my feelings and thoughts on you and now that you're out of my life I'm back to feeling empty and alone. I don't know what it is I'm supposed to do other than sleep and drink my life away. It's a constant battle with me right now and people around me are trying to help me get through this but I'm becoming more aggressive by the day and I no longer bother doing anything with my life anymore. I feel so sad and I'm never sad. I'm usually annoyed or pleased with certain things in my life. But I guess this is what sadness feels like. Never thought I even had this feeling in me considering I've never been sad about that many things before in my life and never to the point where I feel like crying.  Why am I and my life such a mess right now? I really don't understand any of the things I'm doing or saying it feels like. ...