Mak

I Just Have Too Much On My Mind I’m not programmed like you … I don’t think or do shit the same way as you. I’ve got trauma running through my veins where certain things trigger me to dissociate and it makes me get angry 0-100 where I tend to fight. So don’t ever think I’m the same as you bc I’m far from it! I’m the type to catch feelings for someone and not tell them for months to a years bc I’m not trying to rush into something that’ll never work. I usually tell someone I had feelings for them after they no longer peak my interest. That way it’s not so awkward and we can continue being whatever. You might’ve been the one tbh but the way you respond and acknowledge shit just isn’t worth my time. It’s always a waiting game with you and I’m just not into games. Me being able to open up to someone takes a lot out of me. It’s never easy being vulnerable and opening up about my feelings. It’s always a back a forth scenario where sometimes all I feel like doing is drowning. I don’t understa...

People will never understand my isolation & dissociation phases and I don’t expect them to. There’s times where I feel like a burden to everyone around me and that’s when I tend to cut people out of my life so I don’t end up hurting them and end up making things worse for them. I understand that blocking & cutting people out your life is a sign of loss friendships / love for one another but it’s not the case for me. It’s just I don’t want to say or do something that’s going to jeopardize that bond / relationship we have. So I go and become antisocial and ignore everything and everyone around me until I’m aware that everything is fine. Honestly I still can’t do a relationship with someone I care about because I’m afraid of what it can turn into like marriage and having a kid and I don’t see myself being a dad anytime soon or anytime in general. I’ve gone back and forth with this having a wife and a kid scenario multiple time since I was 17 and it just never seemed like the right...

I Never Cared Let me just go ahead and be upfront with this shit so it’s clear to everyone who reads/sees this. I personally do not give a single fuck about anyone. I’ve only ever cared about one person and it literally hurt like hell trying to be there for them and making sure I was who they needed me to be. I never asked for change but yet here they are trying to change me and making me their puppet without my consent. It’s annoying seeing someone who you thought cared and appreciated you for you but instead, they just used you without a second thought on what it would do to them in the long run. I feel like acknowledging emotions is the last thing I should be doing. Emotions get in the way of telling people how you really feel about certain situations. I don’t care how long I’ve known you for if you’ve done me dirty I’m calling you out and going from there. I’m not the one who just sits on the sidelines waiting for shit to die down. Fuck that! If I got something on my mind and you’r...

Gotta Let You Go People claim I’ve changed and all this other shit claiming I’m not myself and just saying I need to get my shit together and shit like that just pisses me off. I‘m not saying sorry or acknowledging anything I do anymore because I know exactly what I’m doing and if you feel some type of way about it then just remove yourself from the situation (my life). It’s simple logic really. Stop being a control freak and just let me do whatever I feel like. You’re so annoying trying to get a glimpse of my personal life that you’re losing sight of your own life. So when I tell you no or I can’t you wanna catch an attitude and start shit with me knowing damn well I’m just going to ignore you and move on.  Stop suffocating me into always being available for your personal needs. If we didn’t have history like I know we do you’d be on your one way trip to hell. You only call and reach out when you’re in need of drugs or money and I’m not that person you can call up asking for that ...

Should've Never Walked In Honestly I don’t have a way of putting this in a short and easy way. All I know is I’ve always had feelings for you the moment I stepped foot in that classroom and now that I’m older and looking back on certain life choices me stepping foot inside that classroom and laying eyes on you was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made. I caught feelings and said things I shouldn’t have said so I got angry at myself and became distant and heartless towards you and others. But it was mostly towards you and I hated every minute of it. I tried to reach out to make it better but I never felt like the timing was ever right and me feeling like I’ve hurt you or was going to end up hurting you never sat well with me.  I wanted to die so bad that I end up being in a rehab facility because I didn’t know how to control any of my feelings. So when I left the facility I ended up just being numb and had no feelings towards anything or anyone. I wanted to talk to you the moment I ste...

I Just Needed Some Time How the hell do you get mad at someone for not giving a fuck or basically just not having a care in the world about people/things? Not everyone has to care about this and that when they don’t see the purpose of it! I understand some things are meant to be cared for and need acknowledgment but at what point do you ask yourself is this even worth my time? Seriously ask yourself if it's worth the time and stress to be bothered by something that's not going to benefit you in the long run/future. Go find something else worth acknowledging other than human beings and things that don't make you any money. I'm just tired of the bullshit that comes my way every now and then that could have simply been avoided if people knew how to distance themselves from the bullshit, to begin with.  I already came to terms with me being an uncaring and distant-ass person but don't force me to show feelings or some kind of acknowledgment to something I have no relati...

It Doesn't Matter Seeing you be happy is all I ever wanted for you. But you went and sacrificed everything you ever knew just to be with someone who treats you wrong and never says he's sorry for any of the wrongs he's done/doing nor does he ever tell you how much you really mean to him and for that I find fucked up.  I'm stuck thinking to myself that you deserve all the shit he's done/doing to you even though deep down inside I know for a fact you don't. So let me just come out and say that you should really let me reach out and just ask if you're okay and if there was anything you wanted or needed to talk about like how it used to be. Considering I never truly left your side so you know I'm always on standby if you ever needed to reach out to me and talk. But knowing me I never want you to feel like I'm pushing you or rushing shit just to get to the point! Even though sometimes it's best to just get straight to it. But with you, it's gotta ...

Sorry It Took So Long How can I be happy when all I feel is pain and regret when seeing you? It's like hell on earth knowing I can't do anything to make the pain go away. I told myself I'd keep my distance from you from then on out and so far I've stuck to it but seeing you out and about just doesn't feel right knowing you should be next o me like how it used be when we first met. Things are so much different and difficult now knowing I have to move on as if nothing happened between you and I. But how can someone like me move on when I never even got the chance to say sorry or explain myself from the jump. Feels like a lot of shit was unsaid and I wish I could just come out and tell you everything was on me and never on you. I never meant to hurt you in silence. I just thought by me keeping my distance and hiding all my pain it would make things easier for you and we could just continue passing by as if nothing was wrong as usual. But it turns out there was a lot of...

Just Annoying Why do these leaches feel the need to block and unblock me for? Like damn you're just going to end up getting blocked again! So stop bothering with me. I don't talk to people from my past. After I decide to bock your ass and put the time to doing so your ass should be moving on and not having any knowledge of me. Stop thinking about me and thinking that I'm thinking about you because I'm not. I got better shit to do then to remanence over someone who meant nothing to me. I don't care about others nor do I have the time to and I sure as hell never show any feelings towards others. So why do you bother getting pressed about me blocking you when you were just a someone temporally filling in for someone. Go to hell thinking I was ever a friend of yours. I hinted out so many signs that I was unfriendly and yet here you were choosing to ignore them. Now look at you being pathetic and texting me asking why I blocked you. What a shame you had ask me that inste...

Just Bury Me 6ft Under All this shit we do is getting irrelevant real quick. So why don't we just get a gun and shoot ourselves with it? Seems a lot logical to do then just sitting around wasting our time thinking about shit that doesn't even matter. Getting tired of being this and that when I just wanna be alone and dead. Maybe then I could get some long awaited peace and quiet. This back and forth shit getting to the point where I just wanna stay at my current position and never look back. Just need others to understand that all this shit is temporary and never lasting. Sometimes things get so out of hand that I point a gun to my head and close my eyes thinking it'll be over but for some reason I always ease off the trigger and just pass out. I just feel like there's nothing left for me to give or do with my life. So why not just call it quits and let my ship sail into the depths of hell and call it a year. It's like people around me want me to stay alive and do w...

Not Holding Back Anymore Since you want to know the truth so bad I’ll give it to you. But don’t come to me telling me I should have told you sooner when I tried. You just only seemed to care about how far you could push me away and forced me to hate you when hating you was the last thing I ever wanted to do. If I'm going to be honest here I'd like to point out that I only hate you for pushing me away. I never hated you for you or whatever you thought it was I hated you for. The way you pushed me out like an outcast really fucked me up considering the feelings I had for you were so new to me I didn’t know what I was supposed to do. But now that I’m much older I understand that feelings are something we can choose to acknowledge or just simply ignore and once I learned how to ignore all the feelings that I had. I made myself move on from you and just decided I didn’t want to feel anything ever again unless it was pain. You put me in such a dark place I thought that not feeling an...