Mak

I Give Up Let's face it, you won and I lost! I was only right about one thing and that was things can never be good between people from my past. Things just always end up going to shit no matter how hard I try to make things right! Things will continue to spiral out of my control every time. I need to just focus on new people and stop caring for those from my past. I wish I still had you in my life but it's too late for all that. I already moved on somehow. I wish I hadn't but I did. I guess me analyzing everything that went down from the beginning to the end really made me realize that I was never the issue, it was you! It just hurts and sucks hella shit that I put all the blame on myself just so I didn't end up hurting you! But maybe hurting you like you hurt me wouldn't have been so bad. But that's no longer me so I can't resort to that sort of doing. I can only let shit be how it is and just move on from it. I can't hate you or dislike you, I can onl...

I Should Have Known Better! It hurts knowing I did my best to get it right with you just for you to tell me there was another person in the mix. I'm not sure what to do or say right now. I just thought that things could last but I was a fool for thinking that when it came to you. I just wish you would've been upfront the day I asked to be friends. It would have saved me so much time and money if you would have been upfront with me! I should have listened to my friends and blocked you the day you caused me to overthink everything I do. I wish I knew what your intentions really were. But from everything that I analyzed, it was only about the money and nothing else. It sucks I got played and used just for that. I really thought I was making things right and doing my best to treat you right. But I guess you never cared about my doings and what you meant to me. I will never forgive myself for how well I treated you and how much I opened up to you just for you to make me bad the guy ...

I don’t know it’s just so much to process all at once! Why is it that whenever we link it’s all good and well but as soon as I ask a simple yes or no question you wanna ignore it and leave me on read? I’m not trying to lose my cool or anything … it’s just all my friends & family are telling me to let you go.. and I hate the thought of doing it because so far it’s been going really well it’s just things like answering a simple yes or no question you can’t seem to do for some reason. I don't know I just thought things would be different and even with me not doing anything things still don’t seem to go well. So it’s just all an eh at this point with you. I’m not sure what more I can do/need to do for us to remain friends / whatever this is that we have. I just know It would suck letting go of everything that I managed to work so hard on with you just for it to no longer exist. So I’m just gonna give it some time and let you decide if it’s worth it because for me it’s all a blur an...

I Just Have Too Much On My Mind I’m not programmed like you … I don’t think or do shit the same way as you. I’ve got trauma running through my veins where certain things trigger me to dissociate and it makes me get angry 0-100 where I tend to fight. So don’t ever think I’m the same as you bc I’m far from it! I’m the type to catch feelings for someone and not tell them for months to a years bc I’m not trying to rush into something that’ll never work. I usually tell someone I had feelings for them after they no longer peak my interest. That way it’s not so awkward and we can continue being whatever. You might’ve been the one tbh but the way you respond and acknowledge shit just isn’t worth my time. It’s always a waiting game with you and I’m just not into games. Me being able to open up to someone takes a lot out of me. It’s never easy being vulnerable and opening up about my feelings. It’s always a back a forth scenario where sometimes all I feel like doing is drowning. I don’t understa...

People will never understand my isolation & dissociation phases and I don’t expect them to. There’s times where I feel like a burden to everyone around me and that’s when I tend to cut people out of my life so I don’t end up hurting them and end up making things worse for them. I understand that blocking & cutting people out your life is a sign of loss friendships / love for one another but it’s not the case for me. It’s just I don’t want to say or do something that’s going to jeopardize that bond / relationship we have. So I go and become antisocial and ignore everything and everyone around me until I’m aware that everything is fine. Honestly I still can’t do a relationship with someone I care about because I’m afraid of what it can turn into like marriage and having a kid and I don’t see myself being a dad anytime soon or anytime in general. I’ve gone back and forth with this having a wife and a kid scenario multiple time since I was 17 and it just never seemed like the right...

I Never Cared Let me just go ahead and be upfront with this shit so it’s clear to everyone who reads/sees this. I personally do not give a single fuck about anyone. I’ve only ever cared about one person and it literally hurt like hell trying to be there for them and making sure I was who they needed me to be. I never asked for change but yet here they are trying to change me and making me their puppet without my consent. It’s annoying seeing someone who you thought cared and appreciated you for you but instead, they just used you without a second thought on what it would do to them in the long run. I feel like acknowledging emotions is the last thing I should be doing. Emotions get in the way of telling people how you really feel about certain situations. I don’t care how long I’ve known you for if you’ve done me dirty I’m calling you out and going from there. I’m not the one who just sits on the sidelines waiting for shit to die down. Fuck that! If I got something on my mind and you’r...

Gotta Let You Go People claim I’ve changed and all this other shit claiming I’m not myself and just saying I need to get my shit together and shit like that just pisses me off. I‘m not saying sorry or acknowledging anything I do anymore because I know exactly what I’m doing and if you feel some type of way about it then just remove yourself from the situation (my life). It’s simple logic really. Stop being a control freak and just let me do whatever I feel like. You’re so annoying trying to get a glimpse of my personal life that you’re losing sight of your own life. So when I tell you no or I can’t you wanna catch an attitude and start shit with me knowing damn well I’m just going to ignore you and move on.  Stop suffocating me into always being available for your personal needs. If we didn’t have history like I know we do you’d be on your one way trip to hell. You only call and reach out when you’re in need of drugs or money and I’m not that person you can call up asking for that ...

Should've Never Walked In Honestly I don’t have a way of putting this in a short and easy way. All I know is I’ve always had feelings for you the moment I stepped foot in that classroom and now that I’m older and looking back on certain life choices me stepping foot inside that classroom and laying eyes on you was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made. I caught feelings and said things I shouldn’t have said so I got angry at myself and became distant and heartless towards you and others. But it was mostly towards you and I hated every minute of it. I tried to reach out to make it better but I never felt like the timing was ever right and me feeling like I’ve hurt you or was going to end up hurting you never sat well with me.  I wanted to die so bad that I end up being in a rehab facility because I didn’t know how to control any of my feelings. So when I left the facility I ended up just being numb and had no feelings towards anything or anyone. I wanted to talk to you the moment I ste...

I Just Needed Some Time How the hell do you get mad at someone for not giving a fuck or basically just not having a care in the world about people/things? Not everyone has to care about this and that when they don’t see the purpose of it! I understand some things are meant to be cared for and need acknowledgment but at what point do you ask yourself is this even worth my time? Seriously ask yourself if it's worth the time and stress to be bothered by something that's not going to benefit you in the long run/future. Go find something else worth acknowledging other than human beings and things that don't make you any money. I'm just tired of the bullshit that comes my way every now and then that could have simply been avoided if people knew how to distance themselves from the bullshit, to begin with.  I already came to terms with me being an uncaring and distant-ass person but don't force me to show feelings or some kind of acknowledgment to something I have no relati...

It Doesn't Matter Seeing you be happy is all I ever wanted for you. But you went and sacrificed everything you ever knew just to be with someone who treats you wrong and never says he's sorry for any of the wrongs he's done/doing nor does he ever tell you how much you really mean to him and for that I find fucked up.  I'm stuck thinking to myself that you deserve all the shit he's done/doing to you even though deep down inside I know for a fact you don't. So let me just come out and say that you should really let me reach out and just ask if you're okay and if there was anything you wanted or needed to talk about like how it used to be. Considering I never truly left your side so you know I'm always on standby if you ever needed to reach out to me and talk. But knowing me I never want you to feel like I'm pushing you or rushing shit just to get to the point! Even though sometimes it's best to just get straight to it. But with you, it's gotta ...

Sorry It Took So Long How can I be happy when all I feel is pain and regret when seeing you? It's like hell on earth knowing I can't do anything to make the pain go away. I told myself I'd keep my distance from you from then on out and so far I've stuck to it but seeing you out and about just doesn't feel right knowing you should be next o me like how it used be when we first met. Things are so much different and difficult now knowing I have to move on as if nothing happened between you and I. But how can someone like me move on when I never even got the chance to say sorry or explain myself from the jump. Feels like a lot of shit was unsaid and I wish I could just come out and tell you everything was on me and never on you. I never meant to hurt you in silence. I just thought by me keeping my distance and hiding all my pain it would make things easier for you and we could just continue passing by as if nothing was wrong as usual. But it turns out there was a lot of...