Mak

There's Nothing Left to Feel I followed all the rules and let things go about their way just to not cause problems only to realize I was the problem all along. I pushed people away and left them alone thinking it would help but it just came back to haunt me in the end. I had people reaching out thinking something went wrong when the only wrongdoing was my existence in their life. I had to just sit back and wait until it was my turn to speak only to never actually speak but to just observe all the things that were wrong. I pretended that everything was fine just to seem normal and have fewer questions be asked when it came to my life. I didn't let anybody get close to me because I knew they'd just end up getting hurt and I couldn't let that guilt be put on me when I told them to leave me alone from the beginning but they chose not to. Got this reel of all of my past mistakes just stuck on replay making it harder for me to get close to someone. I can't keep reliving t...

Back to the Gates of Hell, I Go For those that are about to get hurt these next few weeks, I apologize in advance, but I can't keep living a lie when I already know certain things need to stop before it's too late. I don't care about how you see me as a person or care for your opinion on the shit I do. I do everything for a reason and when people restrict me from doing what needs to be done I tend to cut them off because who are you to tell me what I should do when you aren't even the victim in the situation? You were just a standby looking for a way to be involved somehow. This makes no sense to me because why would you want my problems and life trauma just to end up having a relapse every few months over things you can't control? Use some common sense and just think about what's actually happening before giving your two cents. I have these feelings and questions that don't add up to my life doings, such as why am I falling for someone I don't even like...

I Miss You, Even Though You Always Find a Way to Hurt Me I never got the closure or anything relating to letting go the proper way. You kind of just pushed me away day by day as if I meant nothing. I hated it so much that I felt like I did something wrong just to find out it was your way of letting go. I should've seen it sooner but I just kept holding on thinking it would make you realize how much I wanted you to stay. But I guess I was wrong. It's just a shame I never really saw the things you were doing was a way for you to end things. I was still trying to do my part as a friend and be there for you whenever you needed me. But it's clear to me that my presence and existence were never needed. I was just a stand-by until you found yourself and someone better to help you with your dirty work. I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at myself for playing part in your game. I should've just called it a night after you ended up coming over. But I wanted more and I couldn...

I Don't Need You I’ve been quiet these past few months just so I could focus on myself and the things that used to make me happy without any distractions and I realized the fewer people I talk to and associate the happier I am. I understand I’m a lone wolf and do just fine entertaining myself with activities that don’t require others to tag along. I enjoy being on my own and just having time to collect all my thoughts in peace and erase everything that’s not worth my time. I ended up doing like a life cleanse and just got rid of everyone almost just because I saw no use in them. I’m not trying to be rude or anything in that area. I just settled with reality and realized people don’t mean anything to me. So why not cut them off and stop worrying about this or that. When it’s clearly unhealthy for me to be associated with just everyone I come in contact with, apparently I’m a disaster waiting to happen so why bother? I don’t feel the need to be social or exist online or in real-life ...

Please Don't Pretend I think it's better if we just stop crossing paths with one another. It's not because I hate you or dislike you in any way, shape, or form. I just personally think I outgrew you and what I once felt for you. I noticed I was only holding on to you because you were my first and I wanted that connection to stay and have something to talk about only to realize it doesn't matter if you were my first, second or last. If you caused damage to my health or made me feel uncertain about myself then I only have one choice to make and that's to let you go and move on from it all. Which sucks because I really wished we could still be friends somehow but me being a friend of yours will never work. We're two separate people with two completely different lifestyles and I just don't care to be open about what I do and where I'm at all the time. I'm not saying my privacy is more important than others. I'm just saying I don't put myself out ...

Walking Away I took the time to sit back and observe every little thing that came my way just to find out I don’t need to be entertained by any of it! I like my private and unknown life! I don’t care much about meeting new people in these so-called social hangouts. For things to go well at these social gatherings you have to end up being social, but for someone like me who’s antisocial and only speaks to those I know and care about being out at these social gatherings made it really hard to open up and be myself. I felt as if I opened up to these people they would automatically hate me for the things I enjoy, and I understand that mindset isn’t a good one but that’s just how I think when it comes to meeting new people. I don’t care to open up about anything I do or like when meeting new people. I just let them do all the talking while I take in all that information and process it to find out if they’re worth my time or not. Sometimes people have my interest and sometimes they don’t it ...

Rest in Peace I feel like I've been avoiding you for the longest just so things can go back to normal but what exactly is normal when my happiness was with you and my sadness was nonexistent until you left. There are so many unanswered questions to us that I just wish I knew how to get the answers to! Maybe things could be as simple as breathing between us two but instead, it's just a lot of back and forth which I'm not a big fan of so I tend to distance myself when in reality I should be finding ways to make things work despite our differences! I understand we won't ever see eye to eye or agree on everything to a similar topic but at least let me show you that I'm interested in the things you do and say instead of shutting me out and having me feel like the bad guy! I hate the feeling of being the bad guy when all my intentions are pure when it comes to you! I know you can't see that because of my past doing which I blame myself for but I feel like if you let m...

 I'm Fine, Trust Me I understand people will want to questions about my past which is fine but don’t force the answers out of me! If I’m not comfortable talking about something from my past or don’t recall it happening then just accept that and respect my wishes to not talk about it nor acknowledge it! It doesn’t make any sense to me as to why I need to relive a moment from my past just for you to get the run down of what happened and if it made any sense, to begin with. It’s just weird to me how people only care about other's past and nothing else. Seems like they have no life or ambition to do anything else other than to prey on other people’s trauma when they had no control over it what’s so ever! Yes, I understand my past is a complete shit show but that’s only because I was on my own and did everything my way and didn’t care for the consequences! It has nothing to do with me being a bad kid or anything in that area. I just grew up not caring about the shit that I did or th...

I'm Sorry I can’t believe I’m having to explain myself for the things I did when everyone around me already knows the reasons for my doings. But shit here we are doing the same shit over and over just because I failed to give it my all when my all was already being drained to the max by somebody who never cared to appreciate all good I was doing. They only saw me as an object they could manipulate and use to their liking, which fucking hurt but honestly I never expected anything less from them so it’s whatever! I feel like giving it my all to someone is just a waste of time so I tend to detach and stop acknowledging them all together. Not saying I’m completely avoiding them, I’m just saying I keep my distance and I don’t exactly let them into my personal life or really open up about anything that’s personal to me. I’m not hiding things from them I’m just choosing not to be open with my personal life. There are certain parts of my life I don’t want people to know about nor do I care...

I Give Up Let's face it, you won and I lost! I was only right about one thing and that was things can never be good between people from my past. Things just always end up going to shit no matter how hard I try to make things right! Things will continue to spiral out of my control every time. I need to just focus on new people and stop caring for those from my past. I wish I still had you in my life but it's too late for all that. I already moved on somehow. I wish I hadn't but I did. I guess me analyzing everything that went down from the beginning to the end really made me realize that I was never the issue, it was you! It just hurts and sucks hella shit that I put all the blame on myself just so I didn't end up hurting you! But maybe hurting you like you hurt me wouldn't have been so bad. But that's no longer me so I can't resort to that sort of doing. I can only let shit be how it is and just move on from it. I can't hate you or dislike you, I can onl...

I Should Have Known Better! It hurts knowing I did my best to get it right with you just for you to tell me there was another person in the mix. I'm not sure what to do or say right now. I just thought that things could last but I was a fool for thinking that when it came to you. I just wish you would've been upfront the day I asked to be friends. It would have saved me so much time and money if you would have been upfront with me! I should have listened to my friends and blocked you the day you caused me to overthink everything I do. I wish I knew what your intentions really were. But from everything that I analyzed, it was only about the money and nothing else. It sucks I got played and used just for that. I really thought I was making things right and doing my best to treat you right. But I guess you never cared about my doings and what you meant to me. I will never forgive myself for how well I treated you and how much I opened up to you just for you to make me bad the guy ...