Mak

I Could've Been Better Pt. 2 I can’t put my emotions to rest when all I’m thinking about is you! It feels like I’m lost all over again without you! I thought we’d have forever but nothing last forever with me and I’m so sorry it came to what it did! I just need you to know that you were the best I ever had and if I could have stopped time to be with you forever I would! I felt so much love being around and with you that it felt so amazing knowing I had found someone just to let them leave because of the different lives we both live!  I’m letting myself shut down and finding a way to heal from all the feelings I’m feeling because  the thought of you just makes me so sad and happy that I know I can’t have you back & I can’t come back into your life because of everything that’s been said! I wish the best of luck to you and the life you have back home! I just know these next few months are going to be the hardest for me because I’ll be drowning in the depths of emptiness think...

I Could've Been Better Pt. 1 I felt us losing control the moment we showered together. It all felt so right for the time being but after a while I felt as if I was never going to be enough so I stopped trying and only did what you wanted to make you happy! I put my needs aside for the time being just to see you smile! I didn’t care to be in the wrong or right of anything, I just wanted to make you happy! I ended up taking notes on what it meant to love and to be loved to realize I can never have it! It all seems so nice on paper and in the books but in real life it’s just not me! You sneak diss miss right in front of me it feels like and I ignore it because I hate the drama but yet again I just wanted to know what the reasoning for it was!  I thought everything was good and well until I started overthinking about my past and letting it control my actions in the present just so I wouldn’t make the same mistake twice! I ended up keeping my distance and letting you take the lead even ...

Just Trying to Keep It Cool I’m not wishing us to end but I have thoughts about us ending and it just kills me knowing that things between us will eventually end and I’ll have to accept it! Knowing I did nothing wrong it’s just I don’t know what the future holds for us even though the thought of me moving on with someone else is killing me! I’m still trying to process how I’ll feel knowing I crossed your mind and made you cry! I felt like I was ready to fall in love with you but my overthinking kept telling me to hold off only to lose you in the process! I thought I could just take my time and see where we stood with one another but looks like we stood further than I had hoped for! I never meant to make you cry or do things to make you feel the way you felt! All I ever wanted was to show you the caring side of me but I guess even that wasn’t enough for someone like you! I'm going to miss all the late-night talks and just having you being my peace!  I thought I was ready for the lov...

Forgetting to Breathe I pray that one day when we cross paths that you'll remember my name to the point where it makes you question my existence. I hope when you're out with your friends that you'll picture me across the bar knowing it was never about me, I hope when you're out driving around that you'll see my body dead on the streets knowing it was because of you, I hope when you think of someone else that all you can see is me. I hate that I'm having to to do this but what other option do I have for you to understand that it was all of your fault from the jump. I wish you had treated me the same way as you treated your peers but I guess I was just another game to blame. I pray that one day you'll come to having peace and end up finding everything you've once lost because the way everything happened it's like I lost part of my soul when it came to you. It doesn't matter how far I tend to go I'll always come back to where it feels safer and ...

Keeping My Distance Been feeling like I've lost all control when it comes to you, so I ended up keeping low and out the way. I didn't feel like my presence was necessary for you. I was doubting myself thinking I wasn't a good fit for you and your needs so I dipped like a ghost and never looked back. I wish I could have explained myself on why I chose to do the things I did but it just felt like it was a waste of time and if anything I've already wasted enough of your time just by looking at you. So let's just call it for what is and move on.  We can make things last for a night or two but anything after that it just seems like it's being forced and theirs not much else to go on other than the sex, which is fine but it's not what I'm looking for or really care to have. It just feels like we're doing shit to do it only because we have nothing better to do when in reality all I want to do is be at peace with my own self but it keeps backfiring because y...

There's Nothing Left to Feel I had you figured out from the jump just to get abused and enjoy the pain that you had brought with you. I had no say in the shit that went down because at the time I only cared about the pain and didn't bother letting go of what we had even though all the signs were clear to me. It wasn't out of pity or love for the things I did it was just so I could drain all the things I was feeling and begin to feel nothing after you. I wanted to make things work but only for temporary purposes. I saw no use for you other than draining me of everything I had to offer. I had no say or cared to give my opinion on the things that were happening. I wanted to just make you happy and if that meant having you destroy me, then so be it. I did all I could to make it work but I can see that it wasn't enough. I held on to all of the trauma you put me through so I could recap on why you're no good for me just in case a time ever came around when you'd want ...

Shutting Down So I've been quiet and out the way with just about everyone and for some reason they've been asking way too many questions about my well being. I wish they would all just stop and go about there own damn life instead of keeping tabs on mine and asking why I'm so quiet all of the sudden and why all the sudden changes to my personality and feelings. I hate having to explain shit to others because I feel like it's just a waste of time but also it's just not going to register with them. I like the isolating feeling and not having to depend on others for my own happiness and amusement. I like peace and out of the way doings.  I don't care to be around anyone at work let alone enjoy going to work anymore. I'm starting to arrive late and leaving early because I feel like my time is served better somewhere else. Not saying I hate my job, I'm just saying that I no longer care about it like how I used to. I've been thinking of pulling the trigger...

I Wanted to Be There For You I know I took some time off and away from your life and tried my best to move on from ever knowing you! But in all honesty, I thought of you every night before going to bed wishing things could’ve worked out between the two of us for the better! I hate knowing that you & I didn’t work out, even though the math made sense at the time! But I guess it was just the season that made it seem so real and right! I never expected things to go back to how they were so quickly and basically just let it all end the way that it did! I thought by letting it be just a seasonal thing that it would all make sense to me but it just made me realize how much I wanted you around! I hated the look in your eyes knowing I could never make my feelings known about the way I truly felt toward you! I wanted to make things easy for you but it just never felt like the right time! I promised myself to keep away and at a distance so I didn’t cause any harm or be a bother in your life!...

I Never Cared to Love Anyone Else Where do I begin other than the fact that I had to get used to the pain that others brought upon me! I got to a point where that’s all I ever wanted and only knew to exist that I became numb to any other feeling that was making its way to me! I didn’t care for love or being liked by others at that time! I was just simply drowning myself in the hatred and suffocating thoughts of never being good enough for you!  I ended up going into a state of mind where nothing I did mattered and it would simply just go unnoticed! So I did what I wanted without a second guess but when it came to you I had begun to overthink my every decision before I made it! I wanted to be the good guy for once but it’s hard when you’re surrounded in a room full of judgmental people who only know you for the bad and only talk about the bad! I had to find a way out of that environment but the only way out was with you and I just wasn’t in the right head space to commit to you!...

You Were Just Too Good for Me It's crazy how we went from being strangers to friends and back to strangers as if the things we did and talked about meant nothing to one another. I thought by just letting things be casual and easy flowing with no strings attached that the feelings were just going to remain irrelevant for the time being. But I was wrong and I wish I had known sooner that you felt towards me was more than I had realized and I apologize for not seeing the signs sooner.  I never meant to have you think I was leading you on or making it seem like I wanted more than what we already had/were. I thought that by being able to open up and letting you be close by that the friendship would be easier for the both of us but little did I know you were making it out to be something more than I had hoped. I didn't mean for it to look like I was leading you on or make it seem like you weren't worthy of my time. I just get lost when it comes to having people see me as more tha...

It No Longer Exist I understand that certain situations can't be controlled or dealt with in a timely manner. But the ones that can don't really pertain to me anymore. I've got people to handle that shit for me. Yeah they might need details and examples of what's to come but overall I trust them to handle it and have it be done and not be a bother to me. Things come and go but I choose to ignore it at all cost. I'm done with having things exist / be easy access for me. If anything everything that was once easy access for me is no longer a given to me. It's either in the hands of someone else or simply just gone now. I don't care to seek out anything or anyone anymore. I'm staying calm and letting things come to me when they want and keeping out the way with just about everything that's been going on lately. I don't know when I'll be able to fully reconnect with everyone I once knew but for now I'm taking it easy and enjoying the solitude ...