Mak

Fuck It So let's see a lot has happened since I last posted a few months ago so let me just go ahead and catch you up. So about a month ago I went off on the lab manager at work and just started swinging on the bitch and highkey it felt good but at the same time it was whatever because that following week I went and got another job and so far so good due to it paying way more than that job so I guess it's a win-win. I'm not saying that I should've gone off on her the way that I did but when there's nothing to do and it's dead as fuck at work and I'm constantly being told to do work that doesn't exist it's kind of like what the fuck are you on and I kept asking if I could just have the week / days off since there's nothing to do but no they wanna keep me there with no work just to bitch at me to go find some. Anyways so I'm basically minding my own business and for some reason, I'm already not in the mood to be talked to / having to deal w...

Just Trying to Process it All If I was to let it all come crashing down and watch it burn to ashes would it ease my pain or will it just make it worse? If I was to let my demons take over would I be a better person or would you hate me even more? If I did only bad would you then realize all the good there was to me? Would there be anything worth saving once I let it out or do I just walk away from it and call it what it is. If the love I gave was so pure then why did it feel like a constant battle with you to get it right? I gave you the chance to see the real me only to get sucked back into seeing the other side of me that is constantly lingering the demons in the background. If the only option was letting go then why'd you have to make us work and fall for everything that is being said and done? You made it out to be so perfect only for it to be ugly in the end. I told you all my secrets just for you to use them against me. I did all I could to make you happy just for you to take...

Self Sabotaging I don’t know why but I feel like a lot of people can do so much better if I wasn’t around! I just hate how every time someone comes and talks to me I feel like my response would just either offend them or simply make them feel like I don’t care which I probably don’t but like what am I supposed to do and say if I genuinely don’t care? Lie and tell them that whatever they’re saying is interesting. Like no, I’d rather swallow rocks if anything! I just hate how honest and open I’ve been lately with those around me! Like yeah, this is the real me where everything I say and do has no meaning behind it whatsoever! I do it because no one’s going to care or simply just because I let it be for what it was and didn’t care about the consequences! I thought cutting ties and connections to everyone around me would make me feel better and I could just simply focus on myself and everything I had going on in my personal world so that there wouldn’t be any distractions but damn was I wr...

I'm Just Lost and Confused But I Act as If I'm Fine With It All There have been times when I've felt so shitty about myself and everything I've done and said that I just simply wanna die and end it all so I can stop causing you pain from everything I do. I feel like all I'm doing is just suffocating you and making you feel guilty for things that weren't your fault or based on you. I just have so much anger built up inside me that I ended up taking it out because I was so annoyed with how things were. I hated / still hate how there are guys reaching out to you and they're from your past because y'all used to do things supposedly and it just hurt knowing you let their dm's/texts sit there in your phone / in your account and not having the energy or time to simply just block and delete them unless I tell you to. I just wish it was something you do as it happens. It makes me feel sick to my stomach that I have to know that there are guys out there lookin...

I'm Glad I Met You If someone was to tell me four months ago that we would make it this far and do all the things we did I would've laughed and said yeah right. But four months later and I've never been happier. I'm so lucky to have you in my life and hopefully, you feel the same way about me. I've never felt this way about anyone in a long time. I've been so closed off to the dating scene and trying to be myself cause I was scared of being mistreated and judged. But with you, it's a different story. All I can think about is just being myself and not this other person people claim I am. I'm much happier nowadays knowing I have someone who cares about me and wants to make the most of it even if they are 4h 48m away from me!! I never thought I would be capable of doing a distant relationship but turns out it's pretty chill and easy for someone like me. We just stay on the phone and basically just give updates on everything we're doing and feeling! ...

Untitled 3.0 Feels like I’m losing myself in the process of loving someone else! I love this person without a doubt but surely it’s just a lot to process and get things right when I’m an over thinker and things just end up going south from the jump! I wish I was less of an over thinker and more of an optimistic! I feel like I should just look on the bright side of everything and just ignore the bad! I want things to be picture perfect for the two of us but I have thoughts that somethings off / wrong with us! I don’t feel the same when we’re apart! Feels like waves of sadness just coming in one by one and it won’t end! I never really took the time to understand my feelings when everything was always on the go! I thought if I just kept pushing forward things would catch up but instead it came crashing down upon us and we had to solve it before it broke us apart! I hated every second of last night knowing you went to bed upset when I tried so hard to get it right! I barely got any sleep b...

Everything I Know & Feel as of Right Now I know things have been spiraling out of control lately but please let me stay and help you fix the damages that I've caused. I never meant to cause you the damages that have happened. I didn't realize me being myself had been so confusing for you. I thought if I had stayed true to myself that you would have loved me more but turns out it's the complete opposite of that. I didn't realize my doings had such a negative effect on you and our relationship. I never knew it was hurting you this bad. I thought if I was just open and honest with everything that went on that things would have been easy for us. But turns out I was only doing those things because I was trying to gain your trust back even though I thought it was still there. I thought I was doing everything right from the jump and making sure zero mistakes were being made from my side of things. But turns out I was only making it more confusing for you. I wasn't sure...

I Don't Wanna Leave It might seem like love is testing us and seeing who will fall first but I know from experience that I'm always the last to leave. So when you tell me things like I'm just going to leave and find someone better I end up getting angry with you because what you just said was all lies and I hate lies being told to me. So stop saying shit you don't mean or know anything about. I've told you time after time that you're the one I want and I'll make it known to whoever ask's about you and I/us. I don't wanna leave and I don't care to hurt you because hurting you only hurts me in the end and I promised myself I wouldn't do that to myself anymore. So please let's just keep the love we have and never question my loyalty for you. I'll do whatever it takes to make us last and keep us from fighting. I know things seem like a battle sometimes but knowing we got through it all is all that matters. I don't know how, when, or w...

All I Think About is You To say that there’s no future with you is a lie and I hate lies so why does it feel like all of this chemistry between us is pointless? I can’t tell you the number of times I cried wishing you were next to me hugging me at my lowest points! I can’t imagine a life without you and I know there’s plenty of time to do things with you but right now I just wanna hold on to what we have and love you unconditionally and just have you forever in my arms!! I don’t need to find someone else when all you do is bring me peace and clarity!! I love everything about you and there's nothing you can say or do that will ever make me change my mind about you!! I can’t help but get emotional when things go wrong because I just want the best for you and when shit hits the fan I go numb asking myself where it all went wrong!! I love you so damn much I’ll do anything to make you smile and have you be happy and stress-free! I don’t care how many people try and stop me from loving y...

Breaking Hearts is All I Know I guess it’s true about what they say! But I had to go and learn the hard way! I thought I was ready for it all but it looks like it’s just not meant for me! I wanted to look the other way and prove them wrong but turns out it’s just not that easy! I thought I could make things work and make things right but turns out that’s just not what I’m for! I thought I could love and care for someone but all I did was end up hurting them and I hated every minute of it! Knowing I couldn’t stop myself from doing all the harm I caused unless I walked away! I thought if I just gave it my all that things would change but they just kept on getting worse and for what I don’t know! All I know is that I’m damaged goods and not meant for anyone to love! So I do what I want with my finger to the sky and just let it all come crashing down! I held my head up high for so long just to feel dead inside! I thought if I took things slow and steady that things would fall into place bu...

Just My Thoughts Feels like every day it’s always something new and I just can’t keep up! I’m doing the best I can to not overthink but then you go and say some shit that makes me overthink shit anyways! I keep my cool and tell myself it’s all just lies so I wouldn’t have to go through with it knowing it’s how it is! I don’t care to open up to you anymore or feel the need to speak to you ever again! It feels like I’m wasting my time and yours by doing this and by staying with you! You seem to have way more options than you’re leading with and it’s fine that you do because I also keep my options open just in case shit doesn’t work out! But with you, it’s like you’re contacting your options and leading them on while you’re with me which is hard for me to understand bc you’re the only one I talk to and wanna be with so for you to do that it just makes me feel like shit! I don’t tell you the things I do or say bc there’s no reason to! I keep you updated when I’m with others but other than ...