Mak

Maybe I’m Just Too Independent I’ve been feeling lost with all these thoughts I’ve been left with due to the fact that we no longer see one another and granted we talk and everything. But it just feels like something’s off or something is missing and I don’t have the answers as to what it could be but I just wish these thoughts I have would go away. When we were on the phone last night you brought up how we just talk to one another as if we were just friends when we’re more than that but maybe it’s because I’m slowly slipping away from the emotional and happy self to the antisocial and non verbal way. I guess I’m just slowly seeing things for what they are and can’t really grasp the concept of it so I’m feeling lost and lonely just so I wouldn’t be involved in it. I’ve been feeling like everything that needs to be done and should be done is a one man task so I don’t bother asking for help or bother going out my way to make things known to others just because they’ll probably end up say...

What Else is There to Tell? Update 1: So I ended up getting a new job and so far so good. I mean it has only been about 2 1/2 months but it's going pretty good and I have zero complaints/doubts about it for now and in a few weeks my pay increase hits. So I'm really excited about that! I also understand that the cold season is right around the corner so that'll be interesting to see how that goes considering being outside in the cold doesn't seem like the smartest thing to do. But hey if it gets the job done then so be it, I just need to dress for the season I suppose!!  Update 2: I finally figured out how to balance out my work life and relationship so now everything is exactly how it should be and my anxiety has severely calmed the fuck down and my worries are no more for now. I guess I was just getting overly obsessed with the new job and the big checks that I failed to realize what was really meaningful to me and that's being involved with the one who truly cares...

It Got Better!! I know I've been losing control lately but somehow it seems as if I got a grip on things again and by the looks of it things are so much better now. Never before have I been so happy to wake up and get shit done. I know I've said things will never change but it was because I was suffocating myself with the people around me and the job I was so desperately holding on to. Turns out jobs are meant to be left behind and onto the next but only if it's upgrading you financially and mentally. Don't just leave and not have a plan for what's to come next. I can't really explain my situation right now other than I felt trapped with my first and only job after working there for almost four years and I just got bored and drained from everything going on and feeling like I wasn't making any progress with my life and my mental health became very unstable and I knew something had to be done. I mean yeah getting fired for fighting the lab manager wasn't ...

I'm the Problem I get it I’ll never be the guy you want or need? I get that I’ll never have a chance to do anything right or worth your time! I fucking get it! If I could just end my shit I would but I keep thinking I need to be here to make things right but there’s no longer any use on making things right! I’m getting casted to the side and treated as if I mean nothing and end up getting ignored when I don’t even reach out and make the jump to try and make things right! I guess everything I do is simply just not good enough or worth your time anymore! I’m starting to feel less and less of myself than anything! I can’t help but think nothing I say or do will make you happy anymore or make you wanna fight for what we have! I can’t help but just erase you and everything we once had out of my life and find someone new! And as much as it hurts telling myself you don’t matter and all of this was just trial in error from the jump I can’t help but stay and try and make things work even th...

Fuck It So let's see a lot has happened since I last posted a few months ago so let me just go ahead and catch you up. So about a month ago I went off on the lab manager at work and just started swinging on the bitch and highkey it felt good but at the same time it was whatever because that following week I went and got another job and so far so good due to it paying way more than that job so I guess it's a win-win. I'm not saying that I should've gone off on her the way that I did but when there's nothing to do and it's dead as fuck at work and I'm constantly being told to do work that doesn't exist it's kind of like what the fuck are you on and I kept asking if I could just have the week / days off since there's nothing to do but no they wanna keep me there with no work just to bitch at me to go find some. Anyways so I'm basically minding my own business and for some reason, I'm already not in the mood to be talked to / having to deal w...

Just Trying to Process it All If I was to let it all come crashing down and watch it burn to ashes would it ease my pain or will it just make it worse? If I was to let my demons take over would I be a better person or would you hate me even more? If I did only bad would you then realize all the good there was to me? Would there be anything worth saving once I let it out or do I just walk away from it and call it what it is. If the love I gave was so pure then why did it feel like a constant battle with you to get it right? I gave you the chance to see the real me only to get sucked back into seeing the other side of me that is constantly lingering the demons in the background. If the only option was letting go then why'd you have to make us work and fall for everything that is being said and done? You made it out to be so perfect only for it to be ugly in the end. I told you all my secrets just for you to use them against me. I did all I could to make you happy just for you to take...

Self Sabotaging I don’t know why but I feel like a lot of people can do so much better if I wasn’t around! I just hate how every time someone comes and talks to me I feel like my response would just either offend them or simply make them feel like I don’t care which I probably don’t but like what am I supposed to do and say if I genuinely don’t care? Lie and tell them that whatever they’re saying is interesting. Like no, I’d rather swallow rocks if anything! I just hate how honest and open I’ve been lately with those around me! Like yeah, this is the real me where everything I say and do has no meaning behind it whatsoever! I do it because no one’s going to care or simply just because I let it be for what it was and didn’t care about the consequences! I thought cutting ties and connections to everyone around me would make me feel better and I could just simply focus on myself and everything I had going on in my personal world so that there wouldn’t be any distractions but damn was I wr...

I'm Just Lost and Confused But I Act as If I'm Fine With It All There have been times when I've felt so shitty about myself and everything I've done and said that I just simply wanna die and end it all so I can stop causing you pain from everything I do. I feel like all I'm doing is just suffocating you and making you feel guilty for things that weren't your fault or based on you. I just have so much anger built up inside me that I ended up taking it out because I was so annoyed with how things were. I hated / still hate how there are guys reaching out to you and they're from your past because y'all used to do things supposedly and it just hurt knowing you let their dm's/texts sit there in your phone / in your account and not having the energy or time to simply just block and delete them unless I tell you to. I just wish it was something you do as it happens. It makes me feel sick to my stomach that I have to know that there are guys out there lookin...

I'm Glad I Met You If someone was to tell me four months ago that we would make it this far and do all the things we did I would've laughed and said yeah right. But four months later and I've never been happier. I'm so lucky to have you in my life and hopefully, you feel the same way about me. I've never felt this way about anyone in a long time. I've been so closed off to the dating scene and trying to be myself cause I was scared of being mistreated and judged. But with you, it's a different story. All I can think about is just being myself and not this other person people claim I am. I'm much happier nowadays knowing I have someone who cares about me and wants to make the most of it even if they are 4h 48m away from me!! I never thought I would be capable of doing a distant relationship but turns out it's pretty chill and easy for someone like me. We just stay on the phone and basically just give updates on everything we're doing and feeling! ...

Untitled 3.0 Feels like I’m losing myself in the process of loving someone else! I love this person without a doubt but surely it’s just a lot to process and get things right when I’m an over thinker and things just end up going south from the jump! I wish I was less of an over thinker and more of an optimistic! I feel like I should just look on the bright side of everything and just ignore the bad! I want things to be picture perfect for the two of us but I have thoughts that somethings off / wrong with us! I don’t feel the same when we’re apart! Feels like waves of sadness just coming in one by one and it won’t end! I never really took the time to understand my feelings when everything was always on the go! I thought if I just kept pushing forward things would catch up but instead it came crashing down upon us and we had to solve it before it broke us apart! I hated every second of last night knowing you went to bed upset when I tried so hard to get it right! I barely got any sleep b...

Everything I Know & Feel as of Right Now I know things have been spiraling out of control lately but please let me stay and help you fix the damages that I've caused. I never meant to cause you the damages that have happened. I didn't realize me being myself had been so confusing for you. I thought if I had stayed true to myself that you would have loved me more but turns out it's the complete opposite of that. I didn't realize my doings had such a negative effect on you and our relationship. I never knew it was hurting you this bad. I thought if I was just open and honest with everything that went on that things would have been easy for us. But turns out I was only doing those things because I was trying to gain your trust back even though I thought it was still there. I thought I was doing everything right from the jump and making sure zero mistakes were being made from my side of things. But turns out I was only making it more confusing for you. I wasn't sure...