Mak

I Had a Bad Day... But That's Okay!! So for starters I'd like to point out it was my fault and nobody else's for every thing that happened today. I got distracted and fixated on the breakup that was taking place and ended up losing focus. I should've just done the same thing I always do and go completely numb to avoid it all and I definitely should've stayed off my phone. The only phone being in my hands while at work will no longer be happening. Things just always seem to go wrong when I look at it and I'm tired of having things go wrong when I'm at work and having to explain the situation and be lectured about it. I'd like to take this time to fully apologize to myself & the individual that was involved for me being myself and tearing myself apart to where I had a complete mental breakdown and was crying to the point of no return. I got scared and lost my cool and forgot what my job had consisted of at the time of me breaking down. I got scared whe...

Feeling Free I'm no longer hitting the replay button to go back in time to look back at all the good times we had. It's more like fast forward so I can get to the good part now. I got so sick and tired of feeling like I wasn't good enough and telling myself that'll I'll never love someone as good as I did with you just to realize that may be true but I can just try my best and that's all I can do for now. I may not be the best at showing how I love but just know you're gonna see a different side of me every time when I show it. I keep having to learn from my past just so I can get it right and all the things I do and say is from all my past mistakes. So apologize if certain things seem too good to be true. I'd just hate to see it all go to flames once again. So please just give me some time to make things right for us and see where this love goes. I hope this one last even though I tell myself love is just so temporary so I stop trying midway through to ...

Honestly Just Get the Fuck Out I can't believe I wasted my time on you the way that I did. You never saw me for me and that's okay because I stopped being myself  5 months into our so called relationship. Even though I was kept a secret and could only be talked to when you were alone and out of the house. I lost my job because of all the fights we were having and I just couldn't take it anymore. I lost control and let the outcome take it's place. Luckily I got blessed with another job that has a much better pay a few days later and you had a problem with it which didn't make sense to me because I'm the one who has to pay bills and rent while you only have to pay for your car note because you live at home with your parents. Maybe get the fuck off your lazy ass and actually be an adult for once and go do some adult things other than having sex with complete strangers just to make yourself feel better. You talked shit about me behind my back and were never there to...

I’ll Never Have It I thought I could have something like everyone else has but clearly that one thing will never be mine fully and I’ve finally come to terms with it. It never last as long as everyone else’s and as much as I fucking give it my all and try my best to go all in it just ends up falling apart after a few months in and I’ve just come to terms with it that. I will no longer try or make myself want it ever again or have it happen to me ever again. I just wanna be myself to my own self and not have to worry or prove anything to anyone anymore. I did that for 11 months just for them to end it right before my eyes. I get so close and so happy just for me to end up being back to distant and numb from it all and I hate it. All they ever do is leave and go end up being with other ones that can fit there needs or whatever they have in mind. Which is cool but for someone like me who’s picky and very specific on what I want and need and for it to just end like this is sad if anything....

Maybe I’m Just Too Independent I’ve been feeling lost with all these thoughts I’ve been left with due to the fact that we no longer see one another and granted we talk and everything. But it just feels like something’s off or something is missing and I don’t have the answers as to what it could be but I just wish these thoughts I have would go away. When we were on the phone last night you brought up how we just talk to one another as if we were just friends when we’re more than that but maybe it’s because I’m slowly slipping away from the emotional and happy self to the antisocial and non verbal way. I guess I’m just slowly seeing things for what they are and can’t really grasp the concept of it so I’m feeling lost and lonely just so I wouldn’t be involved in it. I’ve been feeling like everything that needs to be done and should be done is a one man task so I don’t bother asking for help or bother going out my way to make things known to others just because they’ll probably end up say...

What Else is There to Tell? Update 1: So I ended up getting a new job and so far so good. I mean it has only been about 2 1/2 months but it's going pretty good and I have zero complaints/doubts about it for now and in a few weeks my pay increase hits. So I'm really excited about that! I also understand that the cold season is right around the corner so that'll be interesting to see how that goes considering being outside in the cold doesn't seem like the smartest thing to do. But hey if it gets the job done then so be it, I just need to dress for the season I suppose!!  Update 2: I finally figured out how to balance out my work life and relationship so now everything is exactly how it should be and my anxiety has severely calmed the fuck down and my worries are no more for now. I guess I was just getting overly obsessed with the new job and the big checks that I failed to realize what was really meaningful to me and that's being involved with the one who truly cares...

It Got Better!! I know I've been losing control lately but somehow it seems as if I got a grip on things again and by the looks of it things are so much better now. Never before have I been so happy to wake up and get shit done. I know I've said things will never change but it was because I was suffocating myself with the people around me and the job I was so desperately holding on to. Turns out jobs are meant to be left behind and onto the next but only if it's upgrading you financially and mentally. Don't just leave and not have a plan for what's to come next. I can't really explain my situation right now other than I felt trapped with my first and only job after working there for almost four years and I just got bored and drained from everything going on and feeling like I wasn't making any progress with my life and my mental health became very unstable and I knew something had to be done. I mean yeah getting fired for fighting the lab manager wasn't ...

I'm the Problem I get it I’ll never be the guy you want or need? I get that I’ll never have a chance to do anything right or worth your time! I fucking get it! If I could just end my shit I would but I keep thinking I need to be here to make things right but there’s no longer any use on making things right! I’m getting casted to the side and treated as if I mean nothing and end up getting ignored when I don’t even reach out and make the jump to try and make things right! I guess everything I do is simply just not good enough or worth your time anymore! I’m starting to feel less and less of myself than anything! I can’t help but think nothing I say or do will make you happy anymore or make you wanna fight for what we have! I can’t help but just erase you and everything we once had out of my life and find someone new! And as much as it hurts telling myself you don’t matter and all of this was just trial in error from the jump I can’t help but stay and try and make things work even th...

Fuck It So let's see a lot has happened since I last posted a few months ago so let me just go ahead and catch you up. So about a month ago I went off on the lab manager at work and just started swinging on the bitch and highkey it felt good but at the same time it was whatever because that following week I went and got another job and so far so good due to it paying way more than that job so I guess it's a win-win. I'm not saying that I should've gone off on her the way that I did but when there's nothing to do and it's dead as fuck at work and I'm constantly being told to do work that doesn't exist it's kind of like what the fuck are you on and I kept asking if I could just have the week / days off since there's nothing to do but no they wanna keep me there with no work just to bitch at me to go find some. Anyways so I'm basically minding my own business and for some reason, I'm already not in the mood to be talked to / having to deal w...

Just Trying to Process it All If I was to let it all come crashing down and watch it burn to ashes would it ease my pain or will it just make it worse? If I was to let my demons take over would I be a better person or would you hate me even more? If I did only bad would you then realize all the good there was to me? Would there be anything worth saving once I let it out or do I just walk away from it and call it what it is. If the love I gave was so pure then why did it feel like a constant battle with you to get it right? I gave you the chance to see the real me only to get sucked back into seeing the other side of me that is constantly lingering the demons in the background. If the only option was letting go then why'd you have to make us work and fall for everything that is being said and done? You made it out to be so perfect only for it to be ugly in the end. I told you all my secrets just for you to use them against me. I did all I could to make you happy just for you to take...

Self Sabotaging I don’t know why but I feel like a lot of people can do so much better if I wasn’t around! I just hate how every time someone comes and talks to me I feel like my response would just either offend them or simply make them feel like I don’t care which I probably don’t but like what am I supposed to do and say if I genuinely don’t care? Lie and tell them that whatever they’re saying is interesting. Like no, I’d rather swallow rocks if anything! I just hate how honest and open I’ve been lately with those around me! Like yeah, this is the real me where everything I say and do has no meaning behind it whatsoever! I do it because no one’s going to care or simply just because I let it be for what it was and didn’t care about the consequences! I thought cutting ties and connections to everyone around me would make me feel better and I could just simply focus on myself and everything I had going on in my personal world so that there wouldn’t be any distractions but damn was I wr...