Mak

I'm No Longer Allowed to Tell You That I Love You I've lost all rights telling you how I really feel about you so I'm coming to you from afar and onto a screen so I can just get it back to where meeting me never mattered. I get that the guy I was at first was a complete angel and no wrongs could be done but to tell you the truth with time that's not me. I get overstimulated with all these negative thoughts and throughout the time of being with me, I lash and overthink about every little thing just to find myself in a position where I end up the bad guy and there's nothing left for me to do but to just walk away from it all. It hurts like hell knowing I get myself into these sort of situations with everyone I come in contact with. I try to play it safe every time but in the end, it's no use. I'll be seen as the bad guy eventually so I let it out and walk away from it all as if nothing ever mattered and they no longer have to deal with the thought of me. My li...

Someone Make It Make Sense Topic #1 : - WORK-LIFE - So I started working at this new job back in August of 2023 and it was going pretty well and whatnot. Ran into a few minor setbacks here and there but got through it and learned from it but tell me why every time I drive & drop off a package at one of the 7 houses in this freaking housing development there's this dude / "customer" so-called calling the office to literally complain every single time. No matter who goes there this dude just calls the office and just says one thing after another and today I was going 3mph over the so-called "speed limit" (10mph) and this dude called the number just to complain about a fucking 3 mph difference in speed. So I'm at home finished with my route waiting for my pickups that were scheduled at 5pm and tell me why I got not one but two different phone calls about the damn 3mph difference from no other than the managers at my job telling me I'm off the schedule f...

A Guy Like Me...Can't Be Loved Not sure who to trust anymore and I swear trying to even think about the ones I love just no longer does it for me. I want something so real and pure that everything I do will be seen for the good and better instead of having it be used against me. I wanna look at someone one day and just smile to myself thinking about how I finally found the one who I won't hurt. I really hate coming in contact with strangers and making something out of nothing just to watch them leave all because I couldn't keep my cool. I wish I didn't have to fall in love so hard but I do and I guess it comes from always protecting my heart so nobody gets a piece of it and toys with it. I'm way too careful about my heart and peace that the slightest pain will make me question my entire decision about choosing someone like you. I hate doing it but it's all I know. If things start going south it's game over because after the first sign of trouble, it just get...

I'm Sorry for Ever Coming into Your Life I guess I'll just go ahead and get right into it and why I feel like me meeting you was a mistake in my opinion. I guess for starters I could go and talk about how I just wasn't ready for someone like you. I knew from the beginning you were too good to be true and there was no way that someone like you actually existed. From the moment we started talking I knew immediately that you were one of a kind and that your heart and mind couldn't be duplicated. You were the first person I've ever come across to be true to yourself and knowing that was such a blessing because I never had to wonder about you whatsoever. I just ended up wondering when I would get to see you. I felt no need to be shy or feel like I couldn't be myself around you. You made it really easy to talk to and laugh with and the amount of times I cracked jokes was oddly concerning but you laughed at each and every one of them. The first few months were amazing ...

I No Longer Want to Be Here Been feeling like complete shit and I just need to fall off the face of the earth and come back as someone nobody knows. I wish I could have zero history with everyone I've ever met and came across. I wish I could just be myself and not have to hide behind my persona of someone who can't be loved. I wanna enjoy a lot of normal things in life but I can't seem to do that right now because of all the shit I've gone through. It's like I've lost all sense of knowledge of what's right and wrong. I'm trying my best to be polite and fake my happiness but deep down inside all I'm doing is crying and screaming for a change / new beginning and I just want it to all stop. Ever since the New Year, I've been feeling like I shouldn't be here and my life has absolutely zero meaning. I go around hurting others. I do stupid things. I feel fine but end up crying the next day. I get mad and then forget about what caused it. I have so ...

Feeling Lost Again I wish I  could tell myself that everything is fine and well but they aren't. I'm feeling more lost than I ever have. I feel like I'm back to where I was a few years ago and I don't know how to get out the feelings that I'm dealing with right now. Everything just feels like it's going in slow motion and time is just no longer there. My mind is telling me one thing but my heart is pushing me to the other and I don't know what I should be doing right now other than supposedly try and heal from all the things that happened due to my mistakes and trying to love someone so deeply that it put me in a position where I only want the best for them but no longer wish to be in love or think about doing love ever again. Love to me is such a regret and a waste of time that it just makes me feel like I'm never going to be good for anyone out there or myself and it just fucking hurts thinking about love in that way when all I did was give it my all j...

Was I The Only One? I just gotta ask was my all not good enough or did you need others to boost your self-esteem and ego? Why did my past bother you so much when it had nothing to do with you? It's like I was living on repeat for a few months ever since I opened up and shared about my past which I have never done but I decided to go ahead and let you know because I thought I could trust you but I guess I was wrong. I guess being in love really does make us do some stupid things and that was my fault for thinking you'd care enough to understand why I shut down, overthink, and can't understand how to properly process feelings. But I was wrong. You just took all the things I told you and tried to find ways to pick me apart from the beginning to end and I hated you for it. I ended up going off because you would talk to me as if the things I was telling you about myself and the things I went through didn't actually happen. Like what the actual fuck do you mean I'm lying ...

Don't Say You Love Me I thought you were the one but you just came out and proved me wrong all over again and why I should just stay to myself. I forced myself to be there at all hours of the day just to go back and forth on shit that had no meaning. I was losing myself trying to be the best version of myself for you just so you could treat me like I'm nothing and bring up my past to hurt me and make me feel as if I had any control over how I came into this world. All I ever wanted was to be happy and make those around me happy but for the one I loved (you) I wanted way more and it sucks I couldn't have it happen because of time and distance. I don't know why I was so scared to drop everything and come see you. But like I knew if I had come you still would have kept me out of sight and it always killed me having to know that I will always just be a secret from everyone that's in your life when you were never a secret for the people in my life. I had such a hard time...

I Hope It All Works Out for You! Hey I know I kept reaching out to you to help me get through all of the things I was feeling and trying to find a solid ground to where things could possibly just die down slowly and not have been all so sudden. But it looks like things are already moving quite along which is sad but I guess it's best if they do. You have your own life and I have mine. We have all the things we want and need in our own worlds so let's just stick to what we know best and go from there. It sucks I had things go down this path but what could I do? I felt like everything I was doing and saying was all wrong and sometimes just sitting there breathing was wrong and I don't even know how that's possible. I hope you don't think I'm letting go cause it's easier than holding on when holding on is a lot easier than letting go for me. I loved you with all my heart I just didn't show it the right way and when it came down to it all I ended up being th...

You Were the Best I Ever Had I'm honestly not even sure where to begin right now but I have a lot to say so let's just go ahead and break it down because I need to just let it all out and let it be known. I no longer wish to keep it to the side or hide these feelings I've been having and still going through while time keeps passing by. I saw your face in the pics and ended up shooting my shot just to find out I found a good one and told myself I'll do all I can to keep you by my side and it was great for the first part but then things shifted due to my stupidity and how I overthink and lash out on things that don't seem right or simply because I felt like I was losing you and feeling unloved and I really hated that feeling. But you went and made sure to make your love known and that nothing would ever come between us and I believed in you because you had all the proof right in your hands and your actions always lined up with your words. It's just a shame I could...

Just Chilling in a Room Full of Unwanted Thoughts Sometimes I feel like there's nothing more I can do when it comes to people and their shitty situations so I sit back and let them do there own thing. I try so hard to do all I can but I find myself draining everything out of me to help them just to see them end up back in the same spot as before and I'm simply tired of it. I don't understand a lot of things in this world and I don't really plan on getting it right all the time but for someone to be in my life thinking I'm just going to hand them all the answers to there needs is insane. I'm still trying to process all the shit going on in my own world so what makes them think I can be any use / of help to them? I swear I'm not trying to rude or disrespectful but holy fuck can I just chill and not have to deal with other people and there shitty situations for a few days and go about my life? I'm good in life and I have all the things I need so why are the...