Mak

May 21. 1999 So you're probably confused about the title and that's okay because it's meant for only one person, which I hope they see one day, and if not it's okay. I'm just posting this because lately they've been on my mind and I wanted to make it known by making this small post. I guess I just wanted to go ahead and let you know my thoughts which I haven't had you know about in so long due to me moving on and breaking free from the thought of you and letting you live your life and completely erasing myself from your life. I felt as erasing myself from your life you would see that I never meant to hurt you I was just lost and by finding you and going to you it felt like home and I'm sorry I kept going to you. I guess it's kind of hard to let go of someone when you have nobody else. I thought we would last but turns out the only thing that's lasted was the distance between us two and it's my fault for not being there for you on your most im...

When The Truth Comes Out It's pretty fucked up how I can look you up and down and feel all the butterflies in my stomach but when you get to talking they all disappear and I wish I knew why that was. Because you're not a bad person it's just maybe my body is telling me that I'm no good for you. Hence, I shut my feelings down every time you get close to me so I don't fuck things up with you. I get that if you want to get close to me it's your right but at the same time doing that might get you hurt so I gotta keep my distance and watch what I say when it comes to you because at the end of the day, I can tell you're a good one and I'm not trying to make you think you aren't. I can tell there's something special about you but my mind is keeping me from finding out because I don't think I'm ready for you and everything you have to offer.  My heart and mind are willing to give it a go with you but I feel as if I went for it with you I'd ju...

Don't Bother Testing Out My Love! No matter how much you try to get to know me for the real me and disregard all my flaws. My past mistakes will soon come back to haunt me to the point of realization that you're only hurting yourself for staying with me and putting up a fight to keep us as one. I've never felt so alone with someone til you said you loved me. Those words don't do me any good. Instead, it just proves to me I did something worth your time only to soon see how long I can keep it up without fucking it up and that's just too much pressure for me to maintain. I feel like when someone tells me that they love me it causes me to act a certain way just to keep that feeling in play and it's just so tiring to have to be someone I'm not just so you can be happy. I'm steady doing my own thing then you call and ruin just about everything that I have going on and it sucks that I have to feel so hostile toward you. I found a way to end it all between us t...

Will It Ever End? I'm truly sorry for what's about to be said but I don't want to keep acting as if I'm doing well. I've been struggling a lot lately and I don't ever tell anyone about the things I'm going through due to the judgment and criticism afterwards. So I stay quiet and out of everyone's way. I like to be on my own most of the time and not have to feel anything. I go mute because I'm scared of slipping up and saying something that'll put me in a hospital. So I limit myself to the things I say and people think I'm upset with them when I'm not. I'm just struggling to find myself to open up and have a conversation with them. I'm dealing with so many fucked up things on my part that I can't even look at some people the same way as I used to. I'm blaming myself for other people's problems knowing it can easily be resolved with just some time and patience. I feel like I'm losing myself with everything I'm do...

Trying My Best To Move On & Do Better for Myself So   these past few days I’ve been keeping pretty busy and focusing on the things that make me happy and unfortunately I ended up reaching to someone (ex) that shouldn’t have just to make sure they were okay and then completely forgot about there existence once again because I’m just back to being on the go and not having the time or energy for sit downs and explaining my every doing. So we chatted after I got off work while I was running some errands yesterday and I come home just to goto bed at 6pm and wake up at 10am this morning. So I got about a good solid 14hrs of sleep and started my day off by taking and shower and heading to my moms house for a day trip to Washington that’s right up the road from me with my dog tagging along. So we finally end up getting there and I’m already taking a pic of cars and what not because who wouldn’t want a picture of a Dodge Viper V10 like be so for real. So I get done taking pics and go ba...

Tired of It All I just wanna go ahead talk my shit and dip. I’m tired of pretending things are fine and having to fake it like I’m okay with people being around me when I’m simply starting to hate everyone around me. I’m at certain stage in life where I just wanna go back to being in the numbing state and out of sight and out of mind. I’m bored of being out and having to do things with others when I simply just wanna sleep and not worry about this and that. My phone at this point is basically an iPod the way I ignore all calls and delete all the text that I get so I don’t have to respond to anything. I miss the feeling of being unwanted and alone high key. I miss the thought of just being to myself and not having to make others happy. I miss the loneliness I guess. I’ve been way too friendly and social lately and its too much to process for me right now. I started to catch myself people pleasing and I had to take a step back because I knew if I didn’t then I would soon just get hurt an...

I'm No Longer Allowed to Tell You That I Love You I've lost all rights telling you how I really feel about you so I'm coming to you from afar and onto a screen so I can just get it back to where meeting me never mattered. I get that the guy I was at first was a complete angel and no wrongs could be done but to tell you the truth with time that's not me. I get overstimulated with all these negative thoughts and throughout the time of being with me, I lash and overthink about every little thing just to find myself in a position where I end up the bad guy and there's nothing left for me to do but to just walk away from it all. It hurts like hell knowing I get myself into these sort of situations with everyone I come in contact with. I try to play it safe every time but in the end, it's no use. I'll be seen as the bad guy eventually so I let it out and walk away from it all as if nothing ever mattered and they no longer have to deal with the thought of me. My li...

Someone Make It Make Sense Topic #1 : - WORK-LIFE - So I started working at this new job back in August of 2023 and it was going pretty well and whatnot. Ran into a few minor setbacks here and there but got through it and learned from it but tell me why every time I drive & drop off a package at one of the 7 houses in this freaking housing development there's this dude / "customer" so-called calling the office to literally complain every single time. No matter who goes there this dude just calls the office and just says one thing after another and today I was going 3mph over the so-called "speed limit" (10mph) and this dude called the number just to complain about a fucking 3 mph difference in speed. So I'm at home finished with my route waiting for my pickups that were scheduled at 5pm and tell me why I got not one but two different phone calls about the damn 3mph difference from no other than the managers at my job telling me I'm off the schedule f...

A Guy Like Me...Can't Be Loved Not sure who to trust anymore and I swear trying to even think about the ones I love just no longer does it for me. I want something so real and pure that everything I do will be seen for the good and better instead of having it be used against me. I wanna look at someone one day and just smile to myself thinking about how I finally found the one who I won't hurt. I really hate coming in contact with strangers and making something out of nothing just to watch them leave all because I couldn't keep my cool. I wish I didn't have to fall in love so hard but I do and I guess it comes from always protecting my heart so nobody gets a piece of it and toys with it. I'm way too careful about my heart and peace that the slightest pain will make me question my entire decision about choosing someone like you. I hate doing it but it's all I know. If things start going south it's game over because after the first sign of trouble, it just get...

I'm Sorry for Ever Coming into Your Life I guess I'll just go ahead and get right into it and why I feel like me meeting you was a mistake in my opinion. I guess for starters I could go and talk about how I just wasn't ready for someone like you. I knew from the beginning you were too good to be true and there was no way that someone like you actually existed. From the moment we started talking I knew immediately that you were one of a kind and that your heart and mind couldn't be duplicated. You were the first person I've ever come across to be true to yourself and knowing that was such a blessing because I never had to wonder about you whatsoever. I just ended up wondering when I would get to see you. I felt no need to be shy or feel like I couldn't be myself around you. You made it really easy to talk to and laugh with and the amount of times I cracked jokes was oddly concerning but you laughed at each and every one of them. The first few months were amazing ...

I No Longer Want to Be Here Been feeling like complete shit and I just need to fall off the face of the earth and come back as someone nobody knows. I wish I could have zero history with everyone I've ever met and came across. I wish I could just be myself and not have to hide behind my persona of someone who can't be loved. I wanna enjoy a lot of normal things in life but I can't seem to do that right now because of all the shit I've gone through. It's like I've lost all sense of knowledge of what's right and wrong. I'm trying my best to be polite and fake my happiness but deep down inside all I'm doing is crying and screaming for a change / new beginning and I just want it to all stop. Ever since the New Year, I've been feeling like I shouldn't be here and my life has absolutely zero meaning. I go around hurting others. I do stupid things. I feel fine but end up crying the next day. I get mad and then forget about what caused it. I have so ...